This new Take That video is remarkable because of Howard Donald in nothing but shorty-shorts. Which, as marks go, is neither re nor able.

Take That, who you will remember from *checks notes* hits, have released something new. It’s not quite Eddie Monsoon’s Driving Down The Road, but then what is?

Somewhere in the video – please don’t make us watch it again – Howard Donald, the one with the lisp, strips down to what can only be described as a towelling short.

Howard Donald – pop’s very own spare change – has low hanging balls. We are privy to this because of our day jobs as tip-top investigative showbiz journos. ‘Journos’ is industry speak for journalists. They don’t teach you that at Condé Nast School of Fash Mag Slags!

ps.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Yes, we like Starbucks’ drag advert but we’d prefer them to pay their UK taxes. We’re old-school like that

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

And in today’s sports news…


IMG_1761.JPG

Track. Listen, we can clearly see a track.

And that concludes today’s sports news…

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

We can’t wait to sign up for Modern pop-jazz dancing and contemporary lip-synching here…


IMG_1760.JPG

Not only is your teacher Lisa Scott Lee but it’s in Dubai. It’s like the glory days of Lee Strasberg over there.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Gay marriage is ‘false bollocks’ for ‘some queen who wants to dress up in a bridal frock and dance up the aisle to the Village People’

Lose some weight, frog face!

No, it’s not Ronnie Kray chancing his luck with an Amy Winehouse hair-do. It is a UKIP representative. Not that you could get a cigarette paper between the likes of UKIP and your actual Ronnie Kray.

His name is David Coburn, he is an MEP earning a fortune and he is having a little UKIP-style pop at ‘equality Nazis’. We’re not sure how being a Nazi in favour of equality works as a concept but he’s having a hey-day with it. Even in that tight collar.

‘What you’re doing with the gay marriage issue is you’re rubbing people’s noses in the dirt,’ he said, flicking his polka-dot kerchief like a Nancy. Unfortunately not the kind of Nancy that Bill Sykes once took his stick to.

He thought the upgrade from Civil Partnership to marriage was simple dolly gay trouble-making and no mistake. ‘When you go across the road to pick a fight with someone of faith, that’s not got anything to do with it, that’s the equality Nazis trying to give Christianity a jolly good kicking. You know it, I know it, we all know it – it’s false bollocks, the lot of it.’

We’ve not heard of these false bollocks. Are they like false tits? If they are, we might give them a try.

Oh…  and Village People. Honey, no. Not down the aisle. What do we look like? Animals? That would be more of a Donna Summer ‘Love To Love You Baby’ moment.

 

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Selfie du jour

Cheeky!
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

Which of our least favourite people is pictured here dressed as a street prostitute?

Ugh!

Yes, it’s Chloe Green off-of that vile man who owns Topshop and has found a way of not paying his fair share of taxes and yet is still invited to sit around a table at Downing Street to advise the Prime Minister on the future of the country’s economy.

She is ‘friend’ of the stars, you know. Kate Moss can barely survive a day without her.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)

A very serious crime has been committed and Kylie’s doll-size fingerprints are all over it

Oh, it looks innocent enough!

A murder has been committed. Several murders. Shocking, upsetting, stomach-churning murders. The perpetrators? Kylie Minogue, Will Young, Olly Murs, Katie Melua… So many bad people.

The idea is a good one: take some classic 80s tunes and get current artists – and maybe even Kylie as well if you can’t get enough real artists! – to cover them. But surely there must be some sort of parity in the levels of talent. Surely! Shirley!

Exhibit A: Is Olly Murs an Earth Wind and Fire? He is not, m’lord.

Exhibit B: Should big old gay old Will Young do a skin-crawling ballad version of ‘Teardrops’ by arch-homophobes Womack & Womack? He should not m’lord.

And most compellingly, Exhitionist C: Should Kylie be allowed anywhere within a ten-hour plane journey of Kim Carnes’ sublime ‘Bette Davis Eyes’? She should the fuck not, m’lord. Especially when she’s doing that babywoman thing of hers, you know, big production obscuring a voice that started out thinner than Emma Bunton’s hair and is then put through several dishwashers.

In mitigation, we would like to cite Lisa Stansfield’s fully respectable version of The Style Council’s ‘You’re the Best Thing’, London Grammar’s take on Chris Isaak’s ‘Wicked Game’ and Dolly Parton’s noisy ‘Lay Your Hands on Me’, originally by Bon Jovi.

We would also give you examples from the other CD but a sudden sugar dip means we can’t be bothered to put it in.

And there we rest our Louis Vuitton case m’lord.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)