Me-me-me.tv

Having wowed in Great Expectations and some Burberry campaigns, Douglas Booth has reached his ‘show me the money’ moment, starring in a film with the execrable Miley Cyrus.

It’s called LOL *rolls eyes so far back they come round at the bottom again*, it also stars the great talent that is Demi Moore and it looks like bigger pants than even Eric Pickles MP wears. We’d show you the trailer but we don’t want to give it the oxygen of publicity. Suffice to say it’s about a wild child who runs off with a guy in a *stifles yawn* band.

We interviewed Ms. Cyrus once and she insisted on getting up between questions to go and bowl, speak to her friends and eat fries. Manners cost nothing, you know. Douglas Booth was and is charm itself.

A very long time ago. Enjoy responsibly.

He looks like butter wouldn’t melt if you used it as a lubricant while fucking him instead of a water-based lube, which we don’t recommend because butter damages condoms in a way that water-based lubes simply, you know, don’t. (Do you love the way we just slip that safer sex information in there like that? We must surely be eligible for some sort of grant…)

Anyway, anyway, this man is one Jack Conkling. No, don’t laugh. Not with the nose and everything. And Jack just happens to know – maybe a little bird told him, maybe it was an angel – that God thinks homosexuality is as bad as murder, lying, stealing or cheating. Which is plain silly. And this from an American school teacher teaching people’s children.

For a start, you can hardly bracket murder and lying together. Stealing is bad but everyone cheats. As for homosexuality, we wouldn’t be without it. Makes the day go by in a flash, it does.

Jack is a teacher at Prairie Middle School in Kansas, which is probably punishment enough, and was driven by all this talk of gay human rights to get onto his Facebook page and remind everyone that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin (which it doesn’t, by the way. There’s a lot of crazy in there but it doesn’t say it’s a sin. Get your facts right, Christian boy).

‘I am willing to admit my depravity is just as great as anyone else’s…’ Go on. You have our attention. ‘And without Christ I’d be destined for hell…’ Oh, is that all?

Anyway, now you know, you can become better people and languish in the favours of the Lord for all eternity. Or something.

Thomas Cruise, what a lark.

This is what he had to say about his wife, during an interview with Playboy magazine. Which is ironic in itself. Or something:

‘She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity.

‘When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it – she does it.

‘One week I said to her, “You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?” She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, “I wrote this script.” She wanted to try it, and she did

‘She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother.

‘I don’t know what to say – I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special.’

We’ll be the judge of that.

And this is what Joan Rivers has to say about Tom Cruise, in her new book, I Hate Everyone… Starting With Me:

‘First of all, he’s always got this shit-eating grin on his face, like he just got a note from his managers telling him that Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman are extending their confidentiality agreements.

‘Second, in TV interviews, Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all.

‘All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, “The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop in Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise” and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say “No, really. He loves me in that way. I swear.”‘

And a little tit-bit on Nicole Kidman, too. Joany’s on a roll.

‘My face is made of paraffin and chewing gum and that cunt wins an Oscar?’

*ends*

Andrew Christian releases a video that features bullying, nudity, locker-rooms, wedgies (not the footwear, the pulling-of-pants-up-arse-cracks), men in clothes that belong in the mid-90s and a lot of product placement for a nightclub that we won’t give the oxygen of publicity to. You can see said video here.