Can anyone think of any way we can make this new Fergie video any whore-ier because we are fresh out of ideas…

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Someone’ll buy it…

Someone'll buy it...
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Kylie Minogue. Officially the new Lulu.

London’s glittering Primordial, Kylie *checks notes* Minogue, has done a version of Wheels on Fire for the soundtrack of the new Absolutely Fabulous movie. We say ‘done’, she handed out Aunty Jean’s cupcakes at a North London studio while someone created a saccharine trill using various machines. It’s absolutely fucking diabolical.

While we dab Savlon on the backs of our ears, let’s consider the evidence:

- So small you could pop her on the end of your pencil

- Voice that strips wallpaper as well as ears

- Barely anything left of the original person

- Actually believes they’re a bona fide ‘artist’

- Been roped into the Absolutely Fabulous franchise thinking they’re in on the joke, when in fact they are the joke.

In conclusion, ladies and germs, Kylie Minogue is the new Champagne for Lulu. And c) and d).

 

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Meghan Trainor – not a shoe! – shocked and embarrassed and c) and d) that she’s been photoshopped in her new video. And we’re an ovum.


Meghan Trainor - not a shoe! - shocked and embarrassed and c) and d) that she's been photoshopped on her new video. And we're an ovum.

Because record companies are in the habit of releasing their biggest stars’ – even the fat ones! – videos without letting them see ‘em first…

‘Hey guys, I took down the Me Too video because they photoshopped the crap out of me. And I’m so sick of it and I’m over it, so I took it down until they fix it,’ she said on one of the socials, while nibbling a humble salad.

It’s such a controversy it even made the BBC 6 O’Clock News. Only the last item, mind. Must try harder.

ps. We barely tolerate being addressed as ‘Hey guys’ by the designer-imposter Jane Fonda taking our Beach Body Ready TRX Bunny Boot Cross Car Camp class, let alone by some bird on the Interwhines who’s been dressed by Angels on Shaftesbury Avenue.

pps. Oh but here’s the video, in case you made it this far. Not sure whether it’s the before and/or after version, but what we do know is that she sounds like a histrionic hair dryer.

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*pats hair*

*pats hair*
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Who wants to see the new music video by Zeedan from Coronation Street/Zayn from One Direction?

Zee

Here he is in acting mode. And here in singing… And they say the past is another country. Not where the director of this video is concerned. It’s very much a place called home.

 

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Selfie du jour… Yes, it’s back!


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In which gay club did you learn these moves, Tom Hiddleston?

Something about cock.

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