Horoscopes

What the stars hold in store for you this weekend…

bra and panties

Birthday girl, Gypsy Rose Lee. 91, if you’re interested.

Now get your ho’scopes.

Aries
Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy old weekend (and no, that’s not a drugs reference). Bumpy in a good way with lots of partying hard but also bumpy in a bad way with an argument with someone you really shouldn’t be arguing with. No, really.

Fun *****
Love ***
Money **

Taurus
Damn the expense, this is one weekend you should put your mithering about money to one side and splurge. Whether it’s a whole new spring wardrobe, that hooker in the back of boyz whose picture you’ve been fingering or a case-load of shandy booze – just say yes.

Fun ****
Love **
Money ****

Gemini
Your life is reading a bit like Dear Deidre’s Casebook at the moment. So much drama! With the stars the way they are, you should be concentrating on playing it all a bit more low-key right now. Better for your blood pressure and your reputation!

Fun **
Love ***
Money ****

Cancer
This weekend your tawdry side is going to come to the fore (what, like it isn’t always at the fore, right?) You’re going to want to wear trashy clothes, watch trashy telly and sleep with trashy boys. Don’t worry about it. Slumming can be fun!

Fun ****
Love *
Money **

Leo
‘You get a medal when you’re lost in action,’ as Diana Ross once said. No, we don’t know what she’s going on about either but this weekend you will be getting recognition for all your good works: whether that’s a particularly good bj or helping an old man across the road (to a bj?).

Fun *
Love ****
Money **

Virgo
Give yourself a warm hand: you’ve been cutting back on all the right things and have been noticing the improvement. But now it’s time to party. Eat what you like, drink to excess, sleep with inappropriate people, watch a whole box-set of Will & Grace in one sitting. You deserve nice things.

Fun *****
Love **
Money ***

Libra
There’s a secretive side to you that’s quite interesting, Libra. You find secrets a sort of turn on and love sneaking off to indulge in private vices. Don’t worry about it. As long as animals, children or root vegetables are not involved you’re entitled to your saucy secrets.

Fun ***
Love **
Money ***

Scorpio
Your legendary sex drive is going to abandon you this weekend. Men will be openly knocking on the front of your trousers and there’ll be no one home. Even your usual tricks with vaccuum cleaners and carrots won’t do it. It’s fine. Everyone has, ahem, down days.

Fun **
Love *
Money ****

Sagittarius
It’s health, health, health sweetie for you this weekend (bad timing or what!) For some bizarre reason you are going to be eschewing (that means turning down) the booze and the pills and the pizzas in favour of shoots and greens. On the upside, you’ll be feeling horny for it.

Fun **
Love *****
Money ***

Capricorn
You horny old thing (and not just ’cause you’re a goat). This is one of those weekends when you’re going to feel turned on by the strangest of things: Stephen Gately in tight trousers, a teenager whose pants you can see on the bus, Tom Cruise. Just don’t act on it!

Fun ***
Love ****
Money **

Aquarius
You’re sad and in all the wrong ways. You haven’t shaken those January blues and it’s now halfway through February (with Valentine’s Day to make it even worse). Don’t worry, just wallow. There’s a big old happy patch on the horizon so take one last weekend to ferment in your PJs.

Fun *
Love **
Money ****

Pisces
It’s all about glamour for you this weekend and hang the expense. You will be fingering fabrics, holding garments up against yourself while you do your funny ‘looking in the mirror’ pout and blowing way too much money on clothes you frankly are never going to get the wear out of.

Fun ****
Love **
Money *

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One comment to “Horoscopes”

  1. oh my, i’m so excited after reading mine! i’ll let you know.

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