Fag Hag Diary

Monday

 
La Hag

Had an unexpected visitor into the lilac satic bedroom chamber last night. He was so hairy I felt like giving him the number of my waxer, had teeth that needed a trip to the orthodontist, and his idea of fun was having me chase him all round the bedroom. Sadly, it wasn’t Danny DeVito on Viagra – somehow, a mouse had dodged security and the VIP rope outside my boudoir, to set up home.

I let out a scream the like of which hasn’t been heard since Pete Burns lost his make-up bag, and started trying to attack him with the only weapon close to hand – an Agent Provocateur candle (well, at least he’ll meet his maker smelling divine).

Unfortunately, the little fucker was far too quick for me (not the first time I’ve said those words in my bedroom), but if he wants to play dirty, my God he’s come to the right place. Just call me the Joan Crawford of the rodent world. Don’t fuck with me fellas – this ain’t my first time at the rodeo!

Smells divine [Dangerous in the right hands]

Tune in tomorrow for the latest installment of… Fag Hag Diary!

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9 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. Oh honey, I know your pain! I got a man round to sort my mouse problem. He was from Newcastle. Little fellas didn’t budge.

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  2. Wow. Whatever next? Are you going to tell us how you prefer to wash up cups before plates? Your life is amazing.

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  3. Hooray! Fag Hag’s back! I knew there was an Emily Dean hole in my life, now it’s filled. Is it every day now?
    Ps Love Agent Provocateur candles!

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  4. Consuela darling, you’re just a big bowl of angry at the world aren’t you! I get paid to write for a living. You self-evidently don’t and never will. Honey, do us all a favour and get over it.

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  5. Fight! Fight! Fight! It’s true Consuela. You are so down on folk. How are you ever going to find someone to love you when you have all this biterness flowing out. Do we need to talk?

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  6. *goes to get popcorn* …

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  7. Oh Emily, dear, You know nothing about me! But maybe you could channel some of that pent-up energy into something a little more worthwhile, like your suicide.

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  8. Consuela dearest, wishing death upon someone is never a good look.

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  9. Consuela you’re a cunt.

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