Horoscopes

 Ooh, Yvonne, you’re 63 today, love!

 
I can't sing, but I'm young!
 

Star of our all-time favourite movie – Smashing Time – Lynn Redgrave (who played a Lulu-a-likey, with thighs and everything) turns real old today. We still love you, Yvonne. As for you lot…

Aries
Baaaah Love is in the air or maybe the wind is just in the wrong direction. Whatever it is, your chakras are going like the clappers today and you just can’t keep your mind of procreation (well, the business end of procreation). Enjoy that feeling in your loins.

Fun ****
Love ****
Money *** 

Taurus
Grrr. There’s been quite a bit of sniping of late and you’re the one who’s got to be man enough (or lady enough!) to put a stop to it. Initiate a group hug, come in singing ‘We Are The World’, put up a Benetton poster. Anything. It’s got to stop.

Fun ***
Love ****
Money **


Gemini

Prrrrrrr

You and this thing you have for cheap clothes! You’re right when you say you’re from the gutter so cheap clothes suit you, but you’re getting to an age where a little bit of quality (and a little less static and yeast infections) might pay dividends.

Fun ***
Love **
Money ***  

Cancer
 
 
Ouch! Don’t cheapen yourself by responding to certain wild accusations that have been flying around (that person perched on the photocopier was plainly much younger than you). Rise above, swan through, tell them you don’t give a flying… fig. Class!

Fun ****
Love ***
Money ***


Leo 
 
  
Roar! It’s all about work for you today so don’t even think about slacking. You may be a little on the tired and emotional side, but that work needs the touch of genius that only you can deliver. Get the fairy dust out and start sprinkling, Leo!

Fun **
Love **
Money *****

 Virgo
So sex please, I'm ugly Don’t waste opportunities today of all days, will you? You’ve worked hard to get where you are but laurels are not for resting on. They’re for beefing up flower arrangements while you crack on. Opportunity only knocks once, you know.

 Fun ****
Love **
Money ***


Libra
Only 37lbs to go... You’ve never been one for spreading rumours but today’s the day you should really turn your hand to it. Discretion is a virtue, but what’s in it for you? If people are going to try and do you over then it’s only fair that you should return the favour.Fun ***
Love **
Money ***  

Scorpio   
Get off me!
It’s health, health, health, sweetie for you today. Steer clear of those delicious fat/sugar combos that you love so much and veer towards eating fruits and vegetables of different colours. You need a real vitamin shot before the weekend.

Fun **
Love ***
Money ***


Sagittarius
  
Watch where you're putting your head You’re on the cheap today, Sagittarius, and you do very well to strike bargains this day of all days. The stars dictate that savings made today will return upon you five-fold. There are still some branches of Benjy’s open if you look hard, you know.

Fun **
Love ***
Money ****


Capricorn
 
 
Hello What is that smell? It’s probably nothing but for some reason your senses are heightened today (don’t worry: you’re not about to go blind). Try and enjoy the sensation because the temptation will be to get irritated by the sensoral overload.
Fun ***
Love ****
Money *** 


Aquarius   
8 glasses a day should do it Work colleagues can be a pain in the (perfectly toned) arse and no mistake. You are going to have to work through gritted teeth today as it’s certainly not a day when you’ll do well in arguments. Write it in your pad and have it out another day.   

Fun **
Love **
Money ****  

Pisces   
Ickle fishy  
You’re a poetic sign, Pisces, but the poetry’s all dried up for you today. You’re in a starkly practical mood and just want to get this shit sorted. Make a list, tick those tasks off and earn yourself a little more floaty time for the weekend.

Fun **
Love ***
Money *****                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

                      

 

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3 comments to “Horoscopes”

  1. I’m Cancer. Can something really nice happen to me tomorrow please?

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  2. Ooh, I love this film! I didn’t know anyone knew about it. I love that record she does: ‘I can’t sing, but I’m young…’

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  3. pleeeeeease dont show piktures of anne widicome its well bad. that ‘airs enofugh to make my lungs bleed.

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