Fag Hag gets her teeth done…
The Fag Hag has always had something of a zero tolerance policy when it comes to British teeth (i.e. people with yellow or malformed ones should be sent away during adolescence to be humanely disposed of…)
So it was with some horror that I examined my smile the other day to notice that, with all the years of smoking and caffeine abuse, it wasn’t just love that had become a bit tainted around here. I reacted, of course, in the way that any sane rational person would: I let out a blood-curdling scream and was just about to do the decent thing for society and attempt to throw myself under a passing car, when Fag Hag pal rang and told me that I should get myself down to Soho for this uber-quick cosmetic dentist who could bleach my teeth to hell and back.
‘Hi!’ I said imperiously to the bemused-looking Chinese dentist. ‘I want them porcelain white. Think Pam Ewing with a bit of Paris Hilton and a dash of Zeta Jones and possibly a bit of Billie Piper (before she let them go by smoking and drinking Merlot with that ginger man). I don’t want Chiclets so please, if you value your business, don’t turn me into Jodie Marsh. OK, let’s get this party started.’
Two hours later I walked out with teeth whiter than Madonna’s suit at Live 8 and I have to say it’s been very well received by the Fag Hag nearest and dearest. And I even clocked up two random date offers on the way home. OK, so one was the man who washed my car, so what do you want from me? Clooney?