This is fun, you’ll like it.
First off, some background bumf. Just to set the scene as it were:
There once was a man called Michael Glatze. Michael Glatze was an attractive sort of person and as a result had lots of back bottom business, of the HOMOSEXUAL kind. Therein lies our problem.
Oh, this is he:
Now Micky, despite being a renowned (we’ll be the judge of that) journalist and winner of awards in Yanky Doodly Ville – like the Equality Forum’s National Role Model Award, during his editorship of Young Gay America – therefore one would assume an intelligent sort of person, no liked the gays!
*booo, hissss, boooo, etc.*
He was simply torn apart by the thought of the Baby Jesus having sleepless nights over whom slash what his bottom was sitting on top of – ’cause as we all know the Baby Jesus doesn’t have better things to think about. War, for example. Famine! Dr. Gillian McKeith’s scoliosis! – so decided to do something about it.
(Oh, and being a gay also gave him the shits. ‘Tis true.)
These are his very own words of encouragement. Close your eyes, children:
‘I’d developed a growing relationship with God [who knew], thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviours I’d been engaged in [!].
Soon, I began to understand things I’d never known could possibly be real, such as the fact that I was leading a movement of sin and corruption – which is not to sound as though my discovery was based on dogma, because it was not [not the dodge kebab, then].
‘I came to the conclusions on my own [f-yeah].
‘It became clear to me, as I really thought about it – and really prayed about it [zzzzzzz…] – that homosexuality prevents us from finding our true self within [true, actually]. We cannot see the truth when we’re blinded by homosexuality.
‘We believe, under the influence of homosexuality, that lust is not just acceptable, but a virtue [hooray!]. But there is no homosexual ‘desire’ that is apart from lust [booo!].
‘In denial of this fact, I’d fought to erase such truth at all costs, and participated in the various popular ways of taking responsibility out of human hands for challenging the temptations of lust and other behaviours. I was sure – thanks to culture and world leaders [we’re guessing Popey and Bushy. Two retards in a very retarded pod] – that I was doing the right thing.
‘Driven to look for truth, because nothing felt right, I looked within. Jesus Christ repeatedly advises us not to trust anybody other than Him [funny, the Tooth Fairy says that, too!]. I did what He said [like, durrr], knowing that the Kingdom of God does reside in the heart and mind of every man [Mummy, he’s scaring me!].’
What a fun story of retarded behaviour, pop-pickers! Tune in this time, ooh v soon for more fun from people who eat their own vomit for a living. Then throw it up. Then eat it again. Yey!
Them nice Queerty people told us about this, btw. Thankings.