Who wants to hear some retarded God-bothering rant from someone we’ve never heard of? Yey!

This is fun, you’ll like it.

First off, some background bumf. Just to set the scene as it were:

There once was a man called Michael Glatze. Michael Glatze was an attractive sort of person and as a result had lots of back bottom business, of the HOMOSEXUAL kind. Therein lies our problem.

Oh, this is he:

Whatta waste, pop-pickers.

Now Micky, despite being a renowned (we’ll be the judge of that) journalist and winner of awards in Yanky Doodly Ville – like the Equality Forum’s National Role Model Award, during his editorship of Young Gay America – therefore one would assume an intelligent sort of person, no liked the gays!

*booo, hissss, boooo, etc.*

He was simply torn apart by the thought of the Baby Jesus having sleepless nights over whom slash what his bottom was sitting on top of – ’cause as we all know the Baby Jesus doesn’t have better things to think about. War, for example. Famine! Dr. Gillian McKeith’s scoliosis! – so decided to do something about it.

Oh phew.

(Oh, and being a gay also gave him the shits. ‘Tis true.)

These are his very own words of encouragement. Close your eyes, children:

‘I’d developed a growing relationship with God [who knew], thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviours I’d been engaged in [!].

Soon, I began to understand things I’d never known could possibly be real, such as the fact that I was leading a movement of sin and corruption – which is not to sound as though my discovery was based on dogma, because it was not [not the dodge kebab, then].

‘I came to the conclusions on my own [f-yeah].

‘It became clear to me, as I really thought about it – and really prayed about it [zzzzzzz…] – that homosexuality prevents us from finding our true self within [true, actually]. We cannot see the truth when we’re blinded by homosexuality.

‘We believe, under the influence of homosexuality, that lust is not just acceptable, but a virtue [hooray!]. But there is no homosexual ‘desire’ that is apart from lust [booo!].

‘In denial of this fact, I’d fought to erase such truth at all costs, and participated in the various popular ways of taking responsibility out of human hands for challenging the temptations of lust and other behaviours. I was sure – thanks to culture and world leaders [we’re guessing Popey and Bushy. Two retards in a very retarded pod] – that I was doing the right thing.

‘Driven to look for truth, because nothing felt right, I looked within. Jesus Christ repeatedly advises us not to trust anybody other than Him [funny, the Tooth Fairy says that, too!]. I did what He said [like, durrr], knowing that the Kingdom of God does reside in the heart and mind of every man [Mummy, he’s scaring me!].’

The end.

What a fun story of retarded behaviour, pop-pickers! Tune in this time, ooh v soon for more fun from people who eat their own vomit for a living. Then throw it up. Then eat it again. Yey!

Them nice Queerty people told us about this, btw. Thankings.


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6 comments to “Who wants to hear some retarded God-bothering rant from someone we’ve never heard of? Yey!”

  1. What a total spaz. This is when bigotry becomes so stupid it’s actually quite funny. He’s obvioulsy also an atrocious human being.

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  2. I’m beginning to be quite impressed by this God fella: floods, stomach cramps. He truly is omnipotent.

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  3. i wouldnt give him any back bottom business. no not a bit. thanks as ever for sharing this sort thing with us. love ya!!

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    About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages . God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].
    MICKY – http://michael-micky.blogspot.com/

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  5. God, what a loser Micky is! I love how he’s come on here, though. He’s so getting bummed on a daily basis. Go back to licking windows, you freak.
    *Micky gets all righteous and smiles to himself like the smug hypocrite he is, and thinks to himself, ‘Oh, if only they knew Jesus like I did’. Honey, he don’t exist you fool!*
    Oh, I got all carried away, there. I do apologise.

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