Channel 4 billed it as an insight into the lives of gay men forty years after the legalisation of homosexuality. We would like to know who these gay men are living like this. We need names and addresses. In case you missed the two-hour gruel-athon, here are some things we actually never knew about being gay and living in London until last night.
1. You stand a one-in-three chance of being beaten to a pulp, an event that may or may not include being made to eat the contents of an ashtray and being pissed on while listening to Pet Shop Boys records (and so soon after your poor old mam’s death!)
2. Most sexual activity between men happens in dirty-looking Victorian toilets, the walls of which are so thin – never mind that they are built of brick – that you can get a human penis through holes in them in order to perform fellatio. Most of this sex will include being violently buggered up against a cistern without the benefit of a condom.
3. As a gay man living in London you stand a good chance of being either married and/or a paedophile who has young boys coming banging on his door for some cock in between having your flat firebombed.
4. Should you ever meet a man you love enough to commit Civil Partnership with (people will openly applaud you as rose petals flutter down if you do), you will probably still fancy a line of coke and a nice feel of the waiter’s cock on the very day itself. You will also entrust your wedding ring to this waiter whose name you don’t even know, even though it’s a very dolly gay ring with diamonds and everything. You will also wear matching ties to the ceremony.
5. If you are a talented young musician in a rough school you can expect – at the very least – to get your violin broken in an underpass where it seems to be raining (actually within the underpass itself!) just because they think you’re a gay for playing an instrument, all this while your proud and decent mum carries on cleaning – quite unaware – some middle class people’s house.
6. Should you be a nice gay man – not cheating on your ‘husband’, not cheating on your wife, not a closet case going out beating people up, not a sniffy, pissy queen on a high horse – then please expect to be beaten to death and mugged on your actual deathbed in the park while using your last gasps to ask for help.
7. When you go to a very smart middle-class dinner party expect everyone there to have ideas about gay men imported from 1985.
8. Gaydar – and the internet in general – do not exist. You can only meet men in bushes or by barging into their dirty flats. Gay teenagers sit at home reading and wanking out of the window, not cruising for dirty gay porn on-line.
9. They have cheap strippers at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern.
10. People will say ‘you look fucked’ or ‘fancy a stiff one?’ quite a lot after you’ve just had illicit gay sex in a toilet (even though you are a wealthy businessman and can afford both hotel and escort).
At least now you know what it’s like to be gay in London in the year of our Lord, 2007.