Horoscopes

Today’s birthday Duracell battery, Queen Elizabeth I!

Virgin! Yeah, right.

Our very favourite ginger of all time (yes, even ahead of Catherine Tate), Elizabeth I turns 474 today and don’t she look good on it. We can’t wait for the second installment in her autobiography, where she don’t half look like Cate Blanchett, called The Golden Age, which comes out in November.

But what about your thoroughly non-royal arse?

 

 

Aries

Aries Oh, what a weekend it’s going to be for you, Aries! There will be no end to your hi-jinks and seeminly no end that you cannot get your hands upon, either male or female or both! You are at the top of your game and there’s no one to touch you for all-out charisma. Now, work.
Fun *****
Love ****
Money ****

 

Taurus

Taurus Yes, you’re fed up with almost every single person on God’s green earth that you know and would like a whole new line-up of friends/acquaintances but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to have a tippedy-top weekend of it. Fun, love, sex and money are all comin’ atcha!
Fun *****
Love *****
Money *****

 

Gemini

Gemini It’s only just September and already you’re feeling very Christmassy. What’s all that about? It’s always good to plan ahead – get your lunch and ensuing karaoke booked up, lay in some festive contraception – but don’t live too much in the future, not when the present’s rosy.
Fun ****
Love ****
Money ****

 

Cancer

Cancer Your life is going to be like an episode of a top-rated US TV show this weekend, but will it be Golden Girls or Sex and the City? What’s the difference? Not much. You will be one of a group of high-living, high-laughing glamour pusses having more sex than you strictly deserve. Yay! 
Fun *****
Love ****
Money ****

 

Leo

Leo

You have fun stuff up-coming but work has to be done to the highest of possible standards before that fun can kick in. Put your nose to the grindstone and other body parts to appropriate bits of machinery and crank that shit out. Only then will you go to the ball.
Fun ***
Love ***
Money ****

Virgo

Virgo People are really pulling out the stops for you at the moment, Virgo. Make the hell sure you appreciate it. Say thank you, send little cards, maybe flowers and, above all, make sure you pay back the money you owe! It’s these little courtesies that really get you on in life.
Fun ****
Love ****
Money ** 

 

Libra

libra.jpg
Yesterday they were checking you out, today it’s your turn as your sexual biorhythm takes a steep upturn and you start rubbing up against table legs. There’s nothing you can do about it, just take our advice: don’t go for early, ahem, release – just ride that erotic wave.
Fun ****
Love *****
Money *** *

Scorpio

scorpio.jpg How high can you get your legs? Practice at lunchtime because this weekend is going to be a riot of high-kicking action, whether that be on a dancefloor or whether your ankles are grazing the headboard. Either way, suppleness is going to come to the fore. Thank god!
Fun ****
Love ****
Money ****

 

Sagittarius

sagittarius.jpg You are crying out for attention at the moment, of any kind, whether it be sexual, spiritual or some other kind that we can’t quite think of. When seeking attention, make sure you pay for it. Be funny or sexy or flirty. Don’t just say you have a headache and wait for the sympathy.
Fun ****
Love ***
Money ***

 

Capricorn

capricorn.jpg There’s a definite retro feel to you today, Capricorn. Is it that you’ve put your hair through a crimper? Are you perhaps wearing Gloria Vanderbildt jeans? Whatever it is, enjoy because the past can be fun. Just don’t think of staying there. Back to the present by midnight.
Fun *****
Love ****
Money ****  

Aquarius

aquarius.jpg Say goodbye to your friends/loved ones/pets for the moment as they have much more pressing issues on their mind and you are likely to feel a little ignored over the next few days. Be nice, offer help and make your own entertainment. They’ll be back by next week.
Fun ****
Love ****
Money ***   

 

Pisces

pisces.jpg You are dreading the weekend but you really don’t need to. You think what you’re going to get up to is some sort of duty: it’s not going to feel like that, even if it is. It’s going to feel like a whole lot of fun and might even open your eyes to doing more of the same in the future.
Fun *****
Love ***
Money ****       

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More dolly #content:

2 comments to “Horoscopes”

  1. Strangely true.

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  2. Mine tooooooo
    YAY !

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