Obviously, we loathe the very juices she’s stewing in, but we can still give Britney’s album a fair – exclusive! – listen. Oh, yes!
Our verdict, in a word, ‘alright’.
Our verdict in very many words with punctuation and everything… starts after le jump.
So, we sent a specially-trained (and hygienically protected) reporter over to Sony HQ to hear Britters’ new album: here’s what he came back with.
Well, it’s called Blackout, because she’s trying to ‘black out’ all the negativity in her life. We thought it was a reference to all those photos of her with a black circle over her front bottom.
After her last album – In the Zone – which seemed to be all about ‘feeding the pony’ along with a video where she committed suicide, which sounds more exciting than it was, she’s back with the tunes, on which she has mostly worked with either the people behind ‘Toxic’ or Justin’s crew.
First up, there’s ‘Gimme More’, which you know all about, then there’s ‘Piece of Me’, featuring a lyric her momma must be so proud of: ‘Most likely to be seen on TV for stripping on the streets’. Even better are the noises at the beginning that sound like panting. Oh. It sounds a little like her having sex with a chicken and frankly *pats hair. Puts on Southern accent* we put nothing past her…
‘Radar’ needs to be a single and is crack cocaine for the brain and by the time the next track, ‘Break the Ice’, kicks in you begin to forget the piece of scrunched up Tena lady that Britney has become today and your mind goes back to the glory days of her early MTV performances.
‘Heaven on Earth’ is all Moroder/Goldfrapp loveliness but then we hit a problem: ‘Get Naked (I Got a Plan)’ and ‘Freakshow’, which are both pants (remember those, Britney?) The first sounds like they forgot to add vocals and the second, they added the vocals but forgot the chorus. The following two, ‘Toy Soldiers’ and ‘Cold As Ice’ are, however, enough to make us want to crack open the poppers and party hard.
‘Ooh Ooh Baby’ was one of our favourites until she mentions her front bottom *sigh* must it always come back to that?: ‘I can feel you on my lips’ (surprised there’s still any feeling in the old flaps) ‘I can feel you deep inside’. Enough already!
And the old curtains are back out on the next track as Britney whimpers, ‘I bet you want to see my body naked’. Apart from seeing it enough already, we might as well have a gander at Lisa ‘Huge Big Frame’ Riley the state you’re in, love.
The last track stanks and when Pharrell sings ‘Britney, let’s go!’ you wish he would as he’s ruining an amazing (in parts!) album.
It’s out on 29th October. That’s next Monday. Just before Hallowe’en.