Karen Krizanovich: An American Bitch in London


Never mind the headlines of ‘Are our celebrities safe?’ in the midst of the Malibu fires – never mind the ‘charred ranch’ owned by Sean Penn or Kelsey Grammar saying that he’s okay because his pets are still alive (he did add kids at the end of that comment for comic relief) – it’s been more than three minutes since those real celebrities the WAGs have made the headlines. Lucky, then, that there are now handy statistics pertaining to said professional hookers that us muggles can refer to as and when the need arises. Like now.

Talk about being one-woman shopping directories – them there glam squeezes (or ‘bints’ as they are sometimes referred to – an Arabic word meaning ‘daughter of’) of famous footballers, and include in no particular order Victoria Beckham and Colleen McLoughlin, only need little arrows saying ‘You Are Here’ for anyone wishing to spend money in the West End. And you remember football, right? It’s that game with the round ball that everyone in the world is crazy about and that good players make money at but only pre-pubescent girls are keen on in America…

I digress. According to government studies, WAGs are SMART. (Only in the UK would anyone be concerned that a woman is smart enough to shop. It comes natch to us in the States. My mom used to say, ‘Karen, it ain’t a sale unless it’s marked down at least 25%’ Go get ’em, Ma!)

According to the Learning and Skills Council, many WAGs have at least 5 GCSEs (the equivalent of graduating from high school. Sort of). So that means that even though they are known for being the females-of-footballers, thinness, implants and conspicuous consumption, they’re GOOD examples for young girls everywhere.

More to the point, football wife Cheryl Cole heads the WAG Academy by saying that she wished she’d become a forensic scientist, not the minor pop star and soccer-wife she’s morphed into.

‘If I’d had had a sensible head on me shoulders when I was younger, at school and stuff, I’d have loved to have gone into, like, forensic detective. And it’s fascinating… you know, like, which way the bood is splattered and stuff.’ (To be read in the voice of Jimmy Nail from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet for full effect.) But basically, being beautiful and smart boils down to STUFF. And then bitching about not studying stuff…

This does make one wonder if Mrs Cole has considered the amount of bum-numbing, underpaid, long-hours-under-fluorescent-light time it would take to become a forensic scientist… They probably don’t even make a shade of foundation which looks good in an autopsy room.

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3 comments to “Karen Krizanovich: An American Bitch in London”

  1. Please don’t use the word ‘muggles’.

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  2. Aw, muggles. Quite timely, though, what with Dumbledore n ‘all that.

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  3. I like using the word ‘Tilly’, but not a whole load of people get that. Clue – House of Elliot.

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