Here is an artist’s impression (or should that be ‘artiste’s’?) of what Myleene ‘No’ Klass looked like presenting Saturday Night Divas, recorded somewhere in glittering London last night.
We enjoyed the stellar performance by Leona Lewis and Chaka gave great Chaka but we do have some handy tips for the production company…
1. Don’t leave everyone – including women with breast cancer – standing in the pouring rain for over two hours. It tends to piss them off.
2. Don’t leave the ‘Myleene playing the piano’ and Natasha Bedingfield bits till the end because people will piss off home. As they did.
3. Don’t go on about J-Lo and Celine Dion when all you’re going to do is show the assembled audience footage of them having performed at another time (maybe even while everyone was waiting out in the rain).
4. Don’t expect people to sit still for HOURS ON END in a burning hot studio without so much as a bottle of water.
5. Don’t treat audiences like trained monkeys asking them to clap and cheer and stand up and sit down and stand up again and do some applause but not very loud and some more, this time much louder ad infinitum. Can’t you just use some canned laughter?
6. Don’t tell the assembled charity workers and breast-cancer sufferers ‘this is your party’ when you have left them standing in the pouring rain for two hours and then haven’t even offered them a freaking glass of tap water.
7. Don’t leave the de-lovely Leona Lewis standing like a lemon in front of an audience with nothing to do. She looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up.
8. Don’t expect anyone to know what you mean (especially when a lot of them are 50 and over) when you ask them to make sure they do the three-clap segment of OutKast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ – as performed by Jamelia – in perfect unison.
9. Don’t get your ‘warm up man’ to swear in front of an audience with lots of older people in it.
10. Don’t treat the general public like utter cunts.
See (or don’t see, don’t make no difference to us) Saturday Night Divas on, erm, Saturday Night after your X Factor.