We’re all out tonight watching the fireworks for Guy Fawkes’ Night when really we could just stay in and watch the celebrity fireworks: Shia LaBeouf found shopping drunk in my favourite Chicago Walgreens (if you’d been there, you wouldn’t want to leave either, police or no police), Kylie cancelling her innernational tour owing to fragility but getting all new-media on our asses with her own social networking site, Stella McCartney’s one-legged anti-Heather trinkets… but my favourite bit o’ news is the lawsuit against Paris Hilton by Nicolle O’Neill (who dat?) who claims ’emotional distress’ because the heiress has stolen her ‘style’.
Although no photographs accompanied the story (does O’Neill look like an albino mouse?) Nicolle-with-two-l’s, who hails from California (natch), states that Hilton has stolen her ‘patens’ and ‘stiling’ tips (sic. Also natch). O’Neill also said that it was her idea to show her underpants under her trousers. Well, no honey, it wasn’t. It was Mrs Fox in my second grade class who started THAT one, bucko.
I would now like to announce to all of those at me-me-me that I am suing the 3M Corporation because I invented folded tape that goes sticky on both sides… Yes, ’twas I. Much as Mugatu invented the piano key necktie, Romy and Michele the Post-It, and Mother Teresa the corky wedge. Where’s that scary bitch off Dragon’s Den when you need her…?