Passing for Jewish
I am wondering if I can pass for Jewish. I have just heard how fun Hanukkah can be – it is the Festival of Lights! And Irving Berlin wrote White Christmas! And, after seeing the Kasdan/Apatow comedy Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story which claims that Jews run the music industry, they just seem like really nice people who are way into business and family.
Oddly enough, friends have told me that they are Jewish but I just don’t seem to get what the difference is. They just seem like regular people… what am I missing?
Anway, December 5th is the beginning of Hanukkah and I wonder if I am allowed to, say, use a menorah? Is it wrong to celebrate the holidays in a way that your people didn’t? I mean, if that was the case, wouldn’t we all still be PAGANS?
One look through The Complete Book of Christmas (somebody gave me this as a Christmas gift some years ago – OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE WHO HATES ME) will make you want to switch sides real fast. Under the ‘Gifts To Make’ section, we have the questions, ‘What do a scented candle, a zingy flower arrangement in a cone-covered basket, a rosebud pomander, a box of Turkish delight and a jar of pickled vegetables have in common?’ They are all junk and make me sick, that’s what, especially the Turkish delight when eaten in conjunction with the fucking pickled veg! I mean, that is DIABOLICAL.
Anyway, I decide to ask some of my friends how I may pass for Jewish this holiday season and they tell me that I just haven’t suffered enough to make a plausible job of it. ‘You have to feel the pogroms in your feet,’ says Jonathan. Oh well. But I may just sneak a little menorah in anyway…