Karen Krizanovich: An American Bitch in London

Hardened shopping bitch


‘Hey, it’s the Liberty sale tonight, why don’t you go?’ suggested a friend. ‘Oh yeah… why don’t I go? Because I don’t have enough stuff with the peacock feather design on it? That I don’t have enough wafty kaftans to wear, or soap shaped like a clamshell, or jewellery that I could make better myself? Or maybe I should go there to fight with older, stronger women to get just that perfect handkerchief? IS that what you mean?’

When I first moved to London, I thought shopping at Liberty’s was just the highest class thing I could do. Liberty’s! Wow! I must be a huge success if I shop there. But, after watching the papers, and readying myself to get involved in the joy of the sale, I noticed, after the sale, that is was not what I expected.

Days before, I would go into the shop and find that it had been moved. All sorts of crap was brought forth and put into bins over which we were to claw. It reminded me of that line in Tootsie, where Dustin Hoffman says of going to a women’s wear sale: ‘Women, they kill their own. I know the woman who got that handbag did time.’

You had to dress like a cat burglar to wend your way through the crowds and you get elbowed in the boob a lot if you try to weasel your way into the more popular swarms of accessories. I was sweating by the time I worked my way past the scarves and handbags and my will deserted me by the time I got to the shoes…

Market opportunity here for Krizanovich’s Vicious Shopping Workout – a fitness DVD that get YOU in prime shape for the holiday season. Ten minutes warm up, 20 minutes biting and kicking, 10 minutes grovelling to shop assistand, 15 minute sprint to catch shop assistans, 15 minute weight routine for lifting bulging bas while rummaging through handbag for Oyster card…

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2 comments to “Karen Krizanovich: An American Bitch in London”

  1. I love Liberty. But then again, I’ve never ever bought anything from there because how much Liberty print wrapping paper at £3000 a piece can anyone possibly need?

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  2. YOU ARE GENIUS! I love you, KK>

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