Dining with Famouses
You’ve heard of Driving Miss Daisy? How about DINING WITH FAMOUSES – the terrible times when you discover that you are actually going to eat food with someone who is way famous and who will probably think you are a paper weight or something. This makes me leave crab cakes in my shorts, it does. I mean, this automatically means elbows off tables and chewing with mouth closed and talking about weather instead of my normal style.*
Once a friend asked me to dinner at a place called ‘Rameses’ with Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford. ”Rameses’? Is it named after the condom or is it Egyptian food?’ Having NO IDEA what to wear, I donned a soft trouser suit and felt sick to my stomach when I found out the restaurant was actually Gordon Ramsey’s. (FYI Helen was icy and Taylor was professional, bless. They were very pert when it was APPROPRIATE.)
Then there was the time that a friend of mine was not allowed to interview Freddie Mercury but was asked by the man himself to go to dinner with them in Hungary… As for me, as of Friday evening, I am to dine with one Michael Lerner, Oscar nominee, who has bounded over to the UK to be in a radio show.
The host has asked me to come along – and to find a suitable restaurant, but that fish is not to be served. So, not only to I have NOTHING to wear but I am also trying not to eat after 6pm. (Is it that my friends want me to be fat so nobody will want to date me? I mean, that is SO SELFISH!) Stars are just too stressful (remind me someday to tell you the story of going out to the Duchess of York’s house… not wath was a nightmare).
Dining with stars is enough to make you plotz with fear and effort – the clinging onto their every word. There’s always a possibility that they will turn out to be boring and repetitive and mortal (NO! I WON’T HAVE IT!) and that they may have fantastic taste and order wine way out of the reach of the credit card’s limit – all these things need to be addressed, as well as the proper way of handling autograph seekers and those who try to cajole your celebrity guest into the bathroom to do rude things to his parts. I mean, dine with a famous and anything could happen… watch this space.
*Normal style of dining: eating with feet, using curtains as napkins, filling mouth with food and lip-synching to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, and talking about shape of perfect manhood during dessert.