In April it was all about…

Ulrika Johnsson?

April was what we call in the business of showy business a busy month and was fuller than David Beckham’s suspiciously full Armani emroidered underpants…

The first bits of gratuitous titillation in the form of The Tudors came our way. And yes the show was a load of bollocks and Jonathan Rhys Meyers confirmed he was completely inappropriate for the part, but at least there was nudity of the nude kind.

Kylie off-of Kylie Minogue modelled for H&M. Madonna had already done it and Marilyn Monroe is RIP-ing it beyond those pearly gates, so therefore it was wholly predictable.

We marvelled at the marvel that is the marvellous Dame Shirley Bassey.

Naomi Campbell showed her knickers to the world and brought out her own range like the world’s other most beautiful women, Elle Macpherson and er… Kylie. We all walked round with our iPods up our back bottom.

announced their split. Lumpen, middle-aged women who feed their kids cheese straws cried everywhere…. then bought Il Divo records instead. How the other half live.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor
worked hard for the money and tried to remind people she made good songs. People bought Robyn instead.We found this on the internet. It made us laugh and, no doubt, made him pretty darn happy too.A woman who may or may not be called Cheryl Baker confessed exclusively to us, ‘I’ll do anything. I’m a media whore.’
Whilst we’re on the topic of thinning hair, Emma Bunton claimed ‘I’ll never work in music again’* before going back on the road with The Spice Girls seven months later.*She never actually said those exact words, they’re merely words we thought she ought to have said. It was actually something along the lines of ‘I want to concentrate on being a mother oh blah…’ She didn’t say ‘blah’ neither. You guessed that, right?Tom Ford, desirable fashion gent, opened a fancy new store in London’s glittering New York. Oooh.Geri Halliwell announced she was writing kids’ books. Run for your lives, children, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

We asked you to put something hot inside Right Said Fred. Luckily it was only a question.We found a picture of Ulrika Johnsson on holiday.Natasha Bedingfield tried to be racey by telling us ‘What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.’ She scared us. We flicked ourselves off over rugby gennelman Sean Lamont.

That Smith fella off Sex and the City did an advert for chocolates that we all enjoyed. Thanks for that.

NY City turned their backs on Kate Moss, if only to turn to their front again a second later.

Those silly catholics over in the Vatican protested too much. Again.

We discovered a rapper who was gay, said ‘Hello’, then said, ‘Goodbye’.

We kinda wished Alec Baldwin was our daddy.

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