Fag Hag Diary

Yay!

Monday

Hello darlings. The Fag Hag is back for 2008 and, frankly, I’m coming up so you better get the party started.

I’m hoping everyone here saw the New Year in with a bang, and that hoists and a Vauxhall postcode were involved at some stage.

The FH spent 31st December in Florida surrounded by her closest and most trusted friends – Tequila and Slammer – before jetting off to NY for a spot of downtown cruising.

I’d sat next to an Upper East Side housewife on the flight out (sable coat – check; $500 highlights – check; elderly husband in wheelchair sitting across the aisle from us making groaning noises – check) who’d recommended Macy’s for sale shopping…

‘It’s much more reasonable,’ she advised, staring at my Claire’s Accessories diamante horseshoe pendant. Never one to look a gift horse (or a gold-digger) in the mouth, I grabbed a cab down there and frankly, my darlings, I’m just glad you didn’t have to witness the scenes I was confronted with – it was like an episode of Bad Girls set in a Puerto Rican prison!

As various flammable fabrics got fought over by ladies favouring a gold earring or two, punctuated by sounds like, ‘Mmmn¬†Hmmmn. Girl, I tol’ you that’s mine!’, I decided it was time to head for the safer environs of Bloomingdales.

And the minute I stepped inside the breezy chrome and white beauty hall and a perfume queen with perfectly plucked eyebrows said, ‘Ma’am, Marc Jacobs’ new fragrance? Can I interest you in trying it today?’ I knew I had made the right decision.

Mr. perfume queen, you had me at ‘Marc’.

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8 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. Welcome back Faggy!!! Hurrah!!

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  2. Taking advantage of the colonists and the exchange rate? I approve, just don’t go Cuhlo on us and shave off your eyebrowes and then paint them back in with a sharpie…..I would not approve.

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  3. Thank God. Does this mean the other one is gone? She was fucking boring. I do love Macy’s however. They even do the tourist discount card for an added 10 per cent off, which means a Purple Label suit costs a fiver, or something.

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  4. Does everyone else lurve the nice man at the Macy’s tourist discount card desk who works Saturdays? About 6 foot tall, Italian looking – a bit Matt Le Blanc. He’s worked there for years and years now. Always makes the weekend visits to NYC that bit more bearable.

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  5. Me not knows of whom you speak. But then you wouldn’t find me at the – what are you calling this again? – the ‘Macy’s tourist discount card desk’. Sounds fun. I’ll pop over the next time I’m in the vicinity. Which will be around three weeks time in fact.

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  6. Take your passport Champagne — apparently speaking in a non-American accent isn’t big enough clue for some of the people working on the desk to suggest you’re not American.

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  7. Oh really?!
    I have a Spanish friend who tried to check into his hotel in New York and they asked him, ‘What’s your nationality?’ and he said, ‘Spanish,’ and they said, ‘No, honey, not what language you speak, your nationality!’
    Like, durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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  8. Well, speaking Spanish in America has a whiff of illegal immigrant don’t forget.

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