Oh dear. Ashlita Cole what a naughty little mess you’ve made on the carpet – you dirty dawg.
Now that the vomit stains have dried, now that Cheryl has given the customary, ‘Whyaye man this has made us stronger’ interview to the Times Literary Supplement, and now that Ann Summers is one nylon basque lighter after the latest kiss and tell shenanigans, what is the biggest lesson we have learnt my darlings? I’ll tell thee.
It’s how crucially important that first ‘hands off my man, bitch’ appearance is.
Liz Hurley went for white dress and diamante cross (tres Audrey in A Nun’s Story), Victoria Beckham went for black taffeta, red lipstick and a psychotic grin (very Mommie Dearest). Even Hillary dug around in a drawer and found an alice velvet band and some coral lippy. But Cheryleena? You walked out in a woollen hat and old beige mac looking like Kathy Staff. Sort it out sister.