1. Get cancer. Recover from cancer. Never stop recovering from cancer.
2. Be pictured with as many unwell/orphaned children as possible.
3. Pump your face so full of stuff you can’t even move it anymore (see above, pictured at last night’s Elle Style Awards, where she won – guess what? – Woman of the Year)
4. Have a whiff of romantic tragedy about you at all times so female magazine readers can a). empathise b). feel superior: they may be fat and trouty but at least they have a husband.
5. Greed as much money off the general public as you can in any way you can, be it bedsheets, perfumes or special Kylie Toilet Duck. Just get that freaking cash. And never EVER give any away.
6. Make sure you do everything you can to encourage rumours that you are back with your ex-boyfriend the day before you release your (sorry ‘your’) bedsheets/perfume/toilet duck so all those Grazia journalists can run five pages on you/it/them.
7. Patronise gay men.
8. Release frankly embarrassing album that doesn’t sell.
9. Act and speak like a baby at all times even though you are knocking 40: men find it cute, women find it un-intimidating.
10. Never take your eye off Madonna as what she is doing now, you will be doing next year, in a toned-down, non-confrontational, £4.99-at-ASDA version.