The Kylie Minogue Guide to How To Win Woman of the Year Awards

Smile. Now stop smiling.

1. Get cancer. Recover from cancer. Never stop recovering from cancer.

2. Be pictured with as many unwell/orphaned children as possible.

3. Pump your face so full of stuff you can’t even move it anymore (see above, pictured at last night’s Elle Style Awards, where she won – guess what? – Woman of the Year)

4. Have a whiff of romantic tragedy about you at all times so female magazine readers can a). empathise b). feel superior: they may be fat and trouty but at least they have a husband.

5. Greed as much money off the general public as you can in any way you can, be it bedsheets, perfumes or special Kylie Toilet Duck. Just get that freaking cash. And never EVER give any away.

6. Make sure you do everything you can to encourage rumours that you are back with your ex-boyfriend the day before you release your (sorry ‘your’) bedsheets/perfume/toilet duck so all those Grazia journalists can run five pages on you/it/them.

7. Patronise gay men.

8. Release frankly embarrassing album that doesn’t sell.

9. Act and speak like a baby at all times even though you are knocking 40: men find it cute, women find it un-intimidating.

10. Never take your eye off Madonna as what she is doing now, you will be doing next year, in a toned-down, non-confrontational, £4.99-at-ASDA version.

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More dolly #content:

14 comments to “The Kylie Minogue Guide to How To Win Woman of the Year Awards”

  1. Never a truer word was said. Thank you for this.

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  2. Couldn’t have put it better myself. Brilliant. It’s about time that disgenuous cunt realised we’re on to her…

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  3. who is she?

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  4. Harsh but sadly true. While other celebs are vilified for no apparent reason, she is treated as a saint for no apparent reason. What exactly is it she has done that makes the press fawn over her so much? Make money on no talent and no imagination is the only thing I can think of.

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  5. You people, so naughty!

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  6. The vitriol!

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  7. Funny. She is pointless.

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  8. Pointless? A bit like this shitty website, then.

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  9. Ooh, we have a Kylie fan, everyone! Stand back!!

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  10. If I was William Baker I’d advise ‘best pal’ Kylie to retire now. Somewhere away from medium-to-large crowds where she can just knit ‘her’ bed-linen range in peace and quiet.

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  11. You know what, I love Kylie but have to agree with everything up there. Maybe that makes me a true fan – that I like her in spite of her faults.

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  12. That eye make-up looks like what my sister sported, when she was aged 12. And what’s up with that rubber face? Is that a good example to set women?

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  13. Its just a shame shes working with that William guy. Hes just living his teenage Boy George era fantasies by getting to do his very own Black Cap cabaret show with her every month. Its tragic what hes made her become. The shit album, the cringeful, awful TV Cannon and Ball esque Tv Special, the dreadful gay dress up box outfits and the appallingl bad decision to do the crappy pillowcases etc. Its embarrassing. She was a great throwaway popstar. Nows hes making her into a naff Blackpool drag act. Shell be flogging cheap chickens on some Tesco ad next.

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  14. So true, Dilly, so true.

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