Yesterday, at 9.50pm the Fag Hag dimmed the bulbs of the ‘Dangerous Liaisons by way of Laura Ashley’ chandelier, pouffed up the cerise cushions, poured herself an absinthe and settled in front of the big chav telly.
And all because j’adore Kerry Katona and couldn’t wait to see episode one of her fabulous new fly-on-the-MFI-wall, Crazy in Love. Did it disappoint? Did it hell…
Kerry (who seemed to be suffering from a permanent cold, bless her unlucky bitches socks!) is why poor people should not be allowed to win lotteries. And her husband Mark is why poor people should not be allowed to procreate. ‘Aaaah,’ said Kerry, whilst Mark and his giant stomach left the room. ‘In’t he a babe?’ No, he’s a vermin.
In case you missed the fabulousness of last night, here are my best bits:
1. Mark, whilst giving Kerry’s Shrek-style feet a massage: ‘Urghhh! You’ve got all black between your toes. Have you not been bathin’?’ Peasant-tastic!
2. ‘I said to her, ‘Was you faking it last night?’ She said, ‘No, I was asleep.’ You and your non-consensual inter-marital rape, honestly!
3. Mark shiftily talking on a mobile: ‘I need the tax money coming out of the account, the 100 grand we’ve put to one side…’ What a hero! He looks after her Iceland cash too!
4. Shaya, and his assistant Pooya, who style Kerry for a shoot. Shaya wears a T-shirt saying ‘Persians do it better’. Which sounds so fabulous! Except it’s called Iran now. So that reads ‘Iranians do it better’. Oh, dear, not quite so glamorous now somehow…