The Fag Hag unexpectedly found herself playing the filling in a bit of a sandwich this weekend. Don’t get too excited – there was no lube involved and not a bondage harness in sight. The sandwich in question was her apartment block – and her position on the middle floor flat made her the filling. It all started with the banging.
Mr Bachelor downstairs was getting all over excited and wielding his power drill like Frank N Furter. Then came the sound from upstairs of the oldest couple in the world having sex. Headboard, headboard, headboard it went. Mattress, mattress, mattress. ‘Do I have to LISTEN to this?’ I yelled loudly a la Madge during In Bed With, when she bawls out her backing singers for doing Belinda Carlisle impersonations.
Soon my chandeliers started going – rattle, rattle, rattle. ‘For fuck’s sake. How much has the old guy got in him?’ I wondered. Before too long the question was answered by a groan, groan, groan and some hushed voices.
Later I saw the old buffer struggling up the stairs. ‘Nice weekend?’ I asked, doing cat-from-Shrek innocent eyes. ‘Lovely, thanks, it was my birthday’ he replied. ‘Yes,’ I smirked. ‘So I heard. Hope it was good for you.’
The next night I tuned into the new series of Gavin and Stacey to see…? Somebody having noisy sex. So this little Fag Hag turned the volume right up to 11. Well, a) it made my point and b) I’m not having Rip Van Winkle’s grandfather thinking he’s the only one round these parts getting any action…