Fag Hag Diary

Faggy knows best


One of the Fag Hag’s most fabulous female friends, Miss Natural Blonde, called up the Fag Hag Investigation Bureau this weekend. Think of the FHIB as a sort of Hetty Wainthropp – except the sort of crimes I solve are to do with men that disappear with still-wet dicks, rather than organist corpses in the hydrangea bush.

‘Okay, gimme all you got on this,’ I said once I’d pulled up with a screech to the crime scene and started swigging coffee. ‘I need descriptions, I need times, I need motives’.

The natural blonde sung like a canary – it turned out her disappearing man had met her at a bar a week ago – he’d wined her, dined, 69’d her, promised to call and then vanished quicker than a lap dancer’s thong. I loosened up my Columbo style Zara mac in butterscotch. ‘Hmmn. Any unusual behaviour to report on the night?’ The natural blonde thought about this for a while. ‘Well, there was one thing… his house that he took me back to. It was a 2 million pound family home in Muswell Hill. And the guy was only about 25’.

Suddenly, it all seemed so simple. ‘Okay. I think I’ve solved this. Are we talking Aga?’ ‘Yes’. ‘Family photos?’ ‘Yes!’ ‘Any other residents?’ ‘A teenager… he said he was staying there’. I chewed on my pencil thoughtfully like a model in a Cosmo feature called ‘Workplace bullying’. ‘Okay. I have it. He’s a 19-year-old boy still living at home with his brother and his folks were away for the weekend. You my dear have been a victim of Home Alone syndrome. Next time, for god’s sake, check their wallet for a Young Person’s Railcard. Case closed.’


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2 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. Oh BRILLIANT FH. Come and debunk my myths ANY TIME thnkyu plz kthx bai! x

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  2. I’ve had similar experiences with men who take advantage of the wife and kids going to stay with granny during half-term. They always claim to be ‘house sitting for a friend’, despite appearing in various framed photos with a woman and two children.

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