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Fag Hag Diary

I'll take three. Pig.

Thursday

So there was the Fag Hag, idly flicking through one of London’s glittering free sheets yesterday (having taken the precaution of first applying layers of anti-bacterial gel and donning latex gloves in the assumption that the demographic of said publication is likely to be a syphilitic tramp) when she happened upon some rather bizarre musings. The writer in question is called Clayton Littlewood (wasn’t that one of Dex Dexter’s employees at Denver-Carrington?) and he writes about what it’s like to work in a shop all day. Oh.

But Clayton has a bit of a problem on his hands. See he’s somebody who works in the service industry but seems to loathe everybody he serves. First in the firing line are workmen who come in. Clayton says they dig up grotty roads and stink of Tarmac. Yep, they’re workmen. That’s kind of their job. Were you expecting them to Tarmac roads in velvet frock coats and opera scarves reeking of Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds? Anyway, the good thing is they earn probably three times what you do working behind a till, so let’s not cry any tears for them.

Then Clayton must have had a bad morning at Denver-Carrington because he gets really medieval in his punishment – this time it’s those pesky gays. He hates on them for going to the gym (pardon them for having some self-respect), he hates on them for being waspish (read, they’re wise consumers as opposed to wide-eyed out-of-towners who can be taken for a ride) and he hates on them for all wanting their clothes to match their taupe sofa and shitzu. Because all gay men care about is dogs and interiors. We know this because apparently that was all Tennessee Williams would ever talk about – puppies and interior design schemes.

Perhaps Clayton is gay himself and that makes it OK…? Phew, that’s a relief. I’ll pencil in that Ku Klux Klan meeting then because I have diplomatic immunity as a result of my grandmother’s third husband being a Nigerian chieftan (and, strangely, that last bit is true!)

So, the moral of this story is, if you’re someone who hates opening their legs, don’t become a hooker. If you can’t stand meat, best not get a job in Wendy’s. And if you’re a misanthrope? Don’t for fuck’s sake work in a shop.

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Fag Hag Diary, 9.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

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35 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. All these big words my head’s a spinning

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  2. Oh I saw that column. Couldn’t agree with you more, Faggy. If you’re gonna be rude about people, at least do it with a bit of panache.

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  3. Oh come on! I read it and thought it was really funny. He was salivating over the workmen – saying hot they were. And surely gay men can laugh at themselves – it’s 2008 not 1978. Oh and he doesn’t work behind the till – he owns the shop. It’s Dirty White Boy.

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  4. I love your blogs but I love his column too. He’s the best one in there. :)

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  5. I worked in a shop in Kensington during the Summer when home from university. I would like to add posh women to the list. Not only are they condescending, but terribly thick. It was record store, you see, so they would bother me with questions such as ‘Where can I find ABBA?’ — UNDER THE LETTER A YOU FUCKING PONY-FACED, FAKE-BLONDE TAMARA-FARQUARARSE STUPID CUNT’.

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  6. Consuela, that’s funny. But on a serious note, Clayton’s column is probably the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life. Excusable if this is the Oldham Gazette we’re talking about… He just can’t write very well.

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  7. Hahahahaha, I love how Clayton’s friends are writing in to say how good a writer he is. Like, durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
    That column is the equivalent of his shop – an embarrassment.

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  8. There’s nowt worse than a self-loathing gay. Clayton = :-(

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  9. I’m not a friend of Clayton’s or Fag Hag’s but I’m with Karen. I like this blog and his column. Its nice not to have to read another one of those dull Bridget Jones type columns they always have in the paper.

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  10. Just one thing, Tony – not really bothered about the calibre of his writing. It’s shit, so I don’t read it – but I did read this one coz quite a few of my friends mentioned it, and they all said the same thing – would a Jewish person laugh at a column that described Jews as tight-fisted, large-nosed, wheeler-dealers? I rest my case.

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  11. Gentleman Caller – you sound like Fag Hag in disguise. I didn’t read his column but I thought the others weren’t bad – but I spose at least he wasn’t relegated to writing online like you (after being taken off …wait for it…Boyz.) Your blog sounds like jealousy to me.

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  12. Ooh, haven’t read this column of which you all speak, but if a column’s job is to drum up interest – shit or not – seems to be working.

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  13. Manky, I suppose you don’t like Cathrine Tate or Little Britain either because of Derek and Ping Pong? You need to take a chill pill honey. I’m with Tony. I’m gay and I can take gay humour. It’s the self loathing gay who can’t take it. No confidence in htemselves.

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  14. Dean, or should that be Clayton? Oh dear, how wrong could you be. You really ought to do your research – the ‘gentleman’ behind this blog now writes for the Sunday Express, Grazia, Attitude, and Cosmopolitan amongst others, has published two travel books and is launching another magazine in the summer. Slightly better than Boyz, don’t you think…?
    ps. No, this isn’t he – it is his flatmate, though, and he’d kill me if he knew I was writing this…

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  15. FUCKING LOVE Catherine Tate (not so much Little Britain – it’s gone off the boil, don’t you think). Anyway, back to my point – I can take a sniper pointed at my head if it’s done with hilarity – Clayton’s just a shit cliched writer. And I use ‘writer’ in the loosest sense of the word.

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  16. Honestly – ladies!

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  17. I’m with Loopy Lou. I ahevn’t read the column but now I want to.

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  18. Wow – imagine the interest Clayton could drum up if he was actually good!!

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  19. Hee hee – touche, Dean, touche.

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  20. I can’t even read.

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  21. I snogged the ‘gentleman behind this blog’ on Saturday night. He didn’t know I knew, if you know what I mean. I got a semi.

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  22. All the comments that are knocking the column sound like the same person

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  23. Oooh, it’s like an episode of Murder She Wrote. I personally think Stan the Man has written every single comment on here.

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  24. I have! can i have my own column and diary now! :)

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  25. This shit’s better than any column.

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  26. Dean, she didn’t like that comment about being relegated. Ha! Ha!

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  27. If Fag Hag also works for ‘Sunday Express, Grazia, Attitude, and Cosmopolitan ‘amongst others’, has published two travel books and is launching another magazine in the summer’ – can someone tell me why she has to write this blog for Boyz getting 2 comments a day on average and probably paid about £17.50 a week?

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  28. I imagine because it was wrong, A Bigger Fag Hag. Unless relegation in your book’s going on to working for bigger and better publications.
    Anyway, what are your qualifications for being a bigger fag hag? Bet my fag hag’s bigger than yours… She’s got MASSIVE tits. And I’m not big on flanges, but hers always seems quite attractive, relatively speaking.

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  29. Fag Hag needs the £17.50 until the £28.50 royalty cheque comes in

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  30. Jesus, Shaz. Or Stan, or whatever you’re calling yourself. Give it a rest, will you!! Maybe it’s precisely coz he or Fag Hag or whoever the fuck we’re going on about (I’m completely fucking lost) DOES write for these people that he/her has the luxury to write his/her/whatever blog. £17.50 doesn’t exactly pay the rent, does it?
    ps. Is this the boyz blog now? Thought they ditched that long ago.

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  31. Who? What? Where?

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  32. By jove, I think I have it!! EVERYONE on here is from the londonpaper (or workies from the londonpaper) and this is just one big PR excercise. Aren’t they clever.

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  33. Where’d everybody go?

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  34. ………..what happened?

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  35. I would like to congratulate everyone who has contributed to these comments for good punctuation and spelling.

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