Fag Hag Diary

Put your la las away Lil' Friday

Everywhere I go right now I’m assaulted by pictures of Keith Allen’s appalling spawn getting their bloody cocks and arses out.

Firstly that pasty Alfie Allen who’s unfortunately inherited the family ‘kitchen table’ legs, waved his pee pee around at everyone. This was when he got given the lead role in Equus entirely-on-his-own-merit-and-not-remotely-as-a-resut-of-cheap-stunt-casting-to-ensure-arts-coverage-in-usually-arts-phobic-tabloids.

And now Lily, has got her la las out. (I know but they are there I promise you if you squint and use an electron microscope). ‘But I was cruelly snapped by the paparazzi whilst privately sunbathing!’ she will doubtless whine whilst her sycophantic monkeys coo sympathetically and fan her with New Look ostrich feathers.

Yeah, just a word of advice love – if you want to wander round a public hotel with your tits and fanny out and get so drunk you keel over at dinner – best to avoid Cannes between 14th and 25th May every year. For some strange reason it tends to get a teensy bit crowded.

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