Fag hag niece came over all Marje Proops on me the other day (remember Marje the Mirror’s agony aunt with her 70’s child molester glasses, helmet hair and giant gapped teeth? No? Then fuck off back to the soft play centre and switch that parental filter back on before nanny gets home).
That’s because she decided to dispense advice relating to matters of the heart. ‘I got something for you Aunty E,’ she announced imperiously. ‘Really darling?’ I said nervously, hoping I wasn’t going to have to sit through the horrors of High School Musical again – honestly why don’t the cast of that thing be done with it and get t-shirts made saying ‘ Lil Cunts’.
‘It’s the man you need to marry. Here’s all of his things’. And here dear reader without further ado is the list Mimi wrote out for me:
1. Brown hair blue eyes.
3. a tan but not dark skin.
4. Jeans and a cool T-shirt. and BLAck shoes.
5. blue porsh car
6. One pet dog and a fish.
7. 35 ages
Apart from the borderline racism in point 3 and the over fussiness with regards to shoe colour, I thought she’d done a pretty good job. Bar one slightly crucial factor – any man who manages to tick this many boxes sure ain’t straight honey.