The fag hag family attended a wedding this weekend. Hair was given the blow dry of its life, fake tan-age was appliquéd, Jenna Jameson porn star nails were purchased and clutches were co-ordinated. But enough about my father and brother in law – it was fag hag mum who really got this party started.
In fact fag hag mum decided to party like a Circle Line reveller marking the end of drinking on the tube. Which meant she got rather… how can I put this delicately given her advancing years and revered status?.. er shit-faced.
I knew this when – unusually you might say for a 68 year old woman in ecru Agnes B – she decided to shove a can of Pimms down her cleavage. I knew this when I witnessed her picking up some communal table water and necking it straight from the bottle. I knew it when she was bumping and grinding with the bride’s father to the strains of The Final Coutdown. I knew it when she responded to the suggestion,’ Would you like some water as well as wine?’ with, ‘ Sod that. Get me on the table and hose me down afterwards’. But most of all I knew it when she demanded of a very handsome and incredibly charming man attempting to chat to the fag hag, ‘ Excushe me. Are YOU a Judy Garland fan? You LOOK like a Judy Garland fan’. Funnily enough he hasn’t been in touch since.