The Fag Hag’s Chloe Bay bag was accused of assault yesterday. Well, accidental damage rather than assault to be more specific (I know my rights!). And the assault wasn’t perpetrated on a personage but rather a car. There I was walking through London’s glittering village of Cunt-landia aka Chelsea, listening to Barbra and Donna sing ‘Enough is Enough’ when my Chloe Bay knocked against some stray car. ‘Oiii!’ I heard vaguely, too wrapped up in ‘Eeeeets Rayyyning, Eeeets Pouring’ to pay much attention.‘Oii!’ I heard again and wondered vaguely whether some Primark-frequenting ladies had wandered off piste into SW3. ‘Fucking bitch!’ Now I knew that could only be directed at me so I turned round to face my opponent – an angry black lady ill-advisedly wearing cycling shorts…
‘Can I help?’ I smiled with sickening insincerity. ‘You just shoved my car with that bag!’ she hissed. I lowered my Ray Bans. ‘The Chloe Bay you mean?’ She snarled at me, ‘Whatever it fucking is. It scratched my car. Now be more careful. Innit’.
I looked at her with mock horror and clasped my hand over my mouth. ‘Oh my god. I had no idea. My bag touched your car? …That’s just… terrible. Awful. Can you ever forgive me?’ She looked at me suspiciously. ‘Yeah..OK, whatever’. And I went on my way, knife crime avoided. Cowardice – it’s SO hot right now.
Fag Hag Diary,