Fag Hag Diary

Shut the FARK up!

Monday

The Fag Hag spent this morning idly wondering whether it was worth getting banged up in Holloway as someone’s bitch for stabbing her neighbour in the face.

‘I could make it work in there,’ I found myself thinking. Maybe I’d get some generous-thighed bull dyke like Frankie from Prisoner Cell Block H to look after me and get me a job in the kitchens. Or maybe I could do a Wentworth Miller and conceal a complex escape plan in a panther tattoo on my left breast.

You see, living underneath this pensioner is like living beneath a flatshare containing Grateful Dead roadies, the Association of Military Marching Bands and escapees from Bedlam.

He bangs (and not in a Ricky Martin way, I assure you). He crashes so loudly my chandelier shakes. He’s so hard of hearing he has to shout all his phone conversations. At decibel levels that make rooks clear trees. I even know his sodding bank password now. But the thing I can’t forgive is the music…I get serenaded by the Travelling Wilburys. The Kinks. And last night I got ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ blasting through my flat whilst an Australian woman shouted above the din, ‘Oh, my God! This record makes me feel sooooo sexy.’

I don’t want to think about what happened next. But I hope to God she was charging by the hour. 

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6 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. The bloke above me – fat, lots of polyester – listens to whiny 6th Form music with lots of guitars. Not sure which is worse…

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  2. The person above me plays raggae.
    :-(

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  3. I feel your pain. I live next to some rich kid cunt who has never had a job in his life — but hey, why work when mummy and daddy bought you a 4 bedroom house at the age of 19? He spends his days loafing, until his friends come around at approximately midnight for a little soiree. At approximately 3.30 am he always likes to entertain and assume his place as the centre of attention and sings a load of David Gray songs … DAVID FUCKING GRAY!

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  4. She is really sexy!!! I have ever seen her hot video at ~~~intimatemingle.com^ ^ ^ which is a niche interracial dating
    site for all singles. She is really sexy with bikini in that video. You will know how passionate interracial kiss it is after seening it

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  5. Um, I can hear the guy above me listening to porn in surround if that’s anything. if I hear some ladyboy squeal ‘me like fucky fucky’ one more time I may have to go upstairs and blow him. And I don’t mean up.

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  6. I don’t have anyone above or next to me. I live under my desk at work.

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