I’m coming up so for heaven’s sake get this party started, my darlings.
And the reason the Fag Hag’s come over all celebratory? Because London is finally to be rid of that pesky malignant tumour on our Soho streets – Peaches Geldof.
‘Peaches is very excited to be heading over to study at NYU,’ said a man walking past a travel agent in Wood Green with a USA for £299 advert in the window.
Excited to be studying at NYU? Oh, sorry, my mistake, that should actually read, ‘sulkily grateful to her dad who has pulled a favour by agreeing to open the NYU Bob Geldof Centre for Research into Hatred of Mondays’…
You see NYU is one of the top five universities in America. It’s besieged with applicants from all over the world, from ferocisously over-achieving Westminster and Eton students who would open a vein if they ever dropped below an A* to Japanese child prodigies who can play Rachmaninov by the age of four.
So ain’t it funny how some doofus who scraped a hilariously bad clutter of Ds in her A levels has managed to get herself a place alongside the intellectual cream of the international student crop?
So, thanks to Sir Bob for setting us free. Thanks to academics everywhere who take bungs. And thanks most of all to Peaches, who couldn’t have done any of this without the help of the bloke called Spider living in a tower block who takes most of his calls and his cash after midnight…