Pop a question inside of a famous – this time it’s Adele, that pavement chasing lil’ tartlet

Her name's Adele

Self-confessed ‘gobby cow’ and all-round good girl, Adele (no need for a surname, in manner of Madonna and Jordan and Boris Johnson aka ‘Cunt’) sat down with us for a bit of a q and a sesh. And don’t worry, she answered your quizzlesticks properly – she’s not bovvered by anyfing, innit?

How are they coping with you not being a size zero in America? We all know what they’re like… Bernard
Not at all actually. I think that the whole world is obsessed with what you look like because of Hollywood, but three quarters of America are overweight. I ain’t got time to go to the gym. I don’t want to eat a salad without Caesar sauce. I was reading that thing about Fern Britton. I mean I love Fern Britton, she’s my favourite. I don’t know whether it’s true or not but I read all these headlines about ‘I’d rather be big and happy rather than having to try and lose weight all the time’, but no, they haven’t. Most journalists in the US are, unless you’re doing something serious, real girls or real gays so they just love you anyway, it doesn’t matter what you look like. They’re really fun.

You’re mates with Amy Winehouse aren’t you? When you see her can you give her a slap? Chaz and/or Dave
I’m not mates with Amy Winehouse. I don’t know her through school or anything. She’s not that much older than me but in school terms she is. She only went to Brit school for about three weeks anyway. I think she got kicked out. That’s got nothing to do with what’s going on now! I think she’s alright. I think it’s exaggerated. I don’t know her as well as Mark but everything she does is in the press and it’s a bit ridiculous. If people don’t like it, stop buying The fucking Sun. Stop buying the papers with her pictures on it and let her be.

There’s a glut of young female British singers at the moment. Who’s going to bite the dust first? Cher Fan
[laughs] I’m not going to answer that! That’s really rude. Probably me at this stage. Look at me, I’m falling apart! No, I’m not answering that. I think we’ll all be around forever and ever and ever.

Aren’t you ashamed to have gone to the Brits School? DollyWotsit
Fucking hell, the last thing I read about myself was ‘Adele wants a super group with BRIT-ish girls’. In Copenhagen I was doing an interview with this really annoying guy and he just would not stop going on about Leona Lewis and Kate Nash, and Katie Melua and Amy Winehouse all being from BRIT school and he wouldn’t stop going on about it saying, ‘You must hate them, they’re your rivals’ and I was like, ‘I don’t hate them. I’ve bought all their albums and I love them. We’re not rivals at all that’s why we’re all doing well. And he wouldn’t stop going on about it until finally I just said, ‘Oh god I’ll be in a band with them. I want to be in a BRIT band with them. I like them and the next thing I knew it’s all over the fucking internet. I wouldn’t want to do a collaboration with any of them. I love them, but can you imagine the pressure? No-one would like it either. Who would buy it?

What is it with that hair? Why don’t you go for a softer look? Bernard
What do you mean? When did I have that? Oh it might be the bow. I had a big bow. I can’t think of any severe haircuts I’ve had. I think my hair’s pretty underplayed to be fair, especially today. Or even before just with my bun and the fringe. I reckon it was when I wore it for This Morning with Paul O’ Grady, this really big Mickey Mouse bow, so it was probably that, which I wore because I got bored! Fucking hell! Give me a break. I like my hair and face being nice but I don’t give a flying fuck about clothes. I like bags though.

We know how much you love Amy and Kate Nash and all that, but is there anyone out there in the pop world that you really can’t stand? Chaz and/or Dave
Well I love Lily [Allen]. I love her so much. I think she’s hilarious and I love her music. But who don’t I like? I can’t think of anyone. There aren’t really many hateful characters around at the moment unfortunately. You know the nicest person I have ever met was Paulo Nutini. He was so lovely. I met him before anything happened. It was when I was playing three or four nights at Brixton Academy and I managed to get back stage and I think it was the last night so everyone was after him going [American accent] ‘Paulo come here. Paulo do that’ but in a Scottish accent, not an American one obviously! And I ran into him and said, ‘Hi I’m Adele, I’m a really big fan’ and his manager whizzed him off and a few hours later he found me and said, ‘Good luck Adele’ for no reason. He had no need to be like that, but it was really sweet. He had no idea who I was Just nice, really lovely and he’d just played what, three or four nights at Brixton Academy and he’s still being nice to everyone. He’s short but hot. I don’t go for short boys! I thought I had a certain type of boy but I realised I don’t now. They vary.

My mate said that you fancied James Corden, who are your other celeb crushes? intern 101
I used to fancy Chris Moyles. I said it on air and Jo Wiley played it to him. I was telling them what my type was, Colin Firth, Pharrell Williams and Chris Moyles. Really varied as you can see! I like a good back. I like backs. A big grrr back. Like Jake Gyllenhaal has got a great back. You know that film where he’s fucking Jennifer Aniston, it was like, ‘Oh my fucking days!’ Even my mum, and she doesn’t care for shit like that, even she was like, ‘phwoar, look at that back’. So yeah, a good back just so when you’re hugging them you have a big back to go around. Ain’t got to be broad, you could be slim, just a good back. Toned and nice in the way it arches over you when they hug you. Good hands as well. I like good hands. I don’t want no bashed up hands. Just nice ones. Not all knocked up knuckles that’s a bit yobbish.

Have you slapped that Estelle yet? Didn’t they have to keep you apart on Joolz Holland or something? Fival off-of Watership Down
No I can’t be arsed. I don’t know. I think it was the ‘Adele and Duffy ain’t soul’ She sounds like she heard a Aretha record once. I think the main thing was that she ‘doesn’t listen to me and Duffy like she listens to Aretha and Mary’, something like that. I don’t know, I don’t care. She ain’t my kind of music anyway. If it was somebody I adored then I would probably be quite upset but then, never mind, you know. I like No Substitute For Love [starts singing], that’s good.

Was it scary doing David Letterman? Who else was on? Diana, late princess of Wales
Amazing. ‘Cause I didn’t know who David Letterman is because we don’t have him here. When I was there and I was telling people, because it was towards the end of the tour that we did it, and I was telling people at shows and they were all like, ‘Oh My God, that’s amazing’. I didn’t realise he was like the equivalent to Jonathan Ross. So I wasn’t too nervous when I met him but when I found out how many people watch the show just before I went on I fucking shit myself. Really frightened. He was lovely and the studio was stone cold because he doesn’t like to sweat. And sometimes he goes on for ages to keep the audience awake because they’re cold because he doesn’t like to sweat and Mike Myers was on the show as well. He’s like, ‘Who’s singing tonight?’ and my tour manager’s like, ‘Adele’, so he’s going ‘Adil? Adal? Adele?’ It was amazing though really great. We left soon after. The greenroom was this poxy fucking little room. It was amazing it had all these band stickers on the wall which was amazing, but it was quite claustrophobic. I had to have a fag out of the window.

I have a secret theory that you’re posh and just pretend to be common. Discuss. DeeLee
Yes, definitely [posh accent], yar, yar. No, not at all. Fuck off! That’s what I say! Get a life. In the States they don’t understand a word I say and I speak really fast so they don’t get me at all. Everyone has to record what I say and write it down in interviews because they don’t understand what I say. I don’t understand them either! [laughs] Their phrasing, like potato, you’re like, what? [starts singing] You say potato, I say potato…

Watch Adele at the Mercury Prize Awards Show tonight,10pm, on BBC2. Will she win? Will she have a barny with that Estelle? We wait with bated breath…

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4 comments to “Pop a question inside of a famous – this time it’s Adele, that pavement chasing lil’ tartlet”

  1. J’adore.

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  2. Chris Moyles? You weird little lady!

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  3. My God, she is fucking thick.

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  4. Cheeky bitch. Didn’t answer my question. I offered free cake and everything.

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