Fag Hag Diary

Do you take American Express?Tuesday 

The Fag Hag got woken up in the middle of the night this week. Not sadly by a prod in the back from a Jeff Stryker lookalike, but by the peal of digitial church bells at 2.30am signalling the Fag Hag Iphone (or IFag as I prefer to call it ) had incoming.

By the time I got to it they had rung off leaving a tantalisingly missed call from an international number. Maybe it was that hot Dutch holiday romance Menno from a few years back calling for a chat about tulips. Or maybe Fag Hag screenwriter best friend Jane who’s currently shooting a movie in Canada had got into a spot of exciting bother and was using me as her one call from a Toronto police station. And I wasn’t missing out on that bit of hot gossip…

I dialled the number immediatement. Silence the other end. ‘Hello?’  I ventured. ‘Hello is that you Jane, do you need help, darling?’ I imagined her cuffed to a urinal in flattering Prison Break chambray shirt. Finally the voice at the other end spoke. It did not sound like Jane. Unless Jane had swapped voiceboxes with an elderly African man.  ‘No hear you. Go, go now. Blessings.’ Blessings?

Of course the next day I discovered I had fallen for a trick that’s even older than Paul Daniels’s toupee – Nigerian con men establishing you have a working mobile so they can use it to send premium rate texts and scams to. On the plus side though, I’m being given a million pounds by a guy called Makumbo, who needs me to look after it for his cousin whilst he’s out of the country  – and all I have to do is wire him £3,000 to help buy his plane ticket and some sheafs of corn to eat.

See – you give a little love and it all comes back to you…

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2 comments to “Fag Hag Diary”

  1. You only picked up because you thought it might be a booty call from the Milk Tray man.

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  2. This Jeff Stryker obsession … why? He was minging in that overly shaven and clipped sexless American porn star way. He had a big dick, but there’s bigger and better out there.

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