Is this *checks notes* ‘child’ cute, or just creepy as fuck?

Sssssh, child.

Everyone’s going potty-loo-la over this child person thing.

She’s eight, she went on the Ellen show, she sang ‘Respect’, she’s been labelled precocious, she’s quite the chunkster already so well on the way to Aretha-ville, Fiona Phillips predictably was coo-ing over her on GMTV this morning (she was also coo-ing to the point of flagina-drip over Boyzone this morning so, you know, discerning), and we were bordering on finding her (she’s called Tione, if you’re taking notes) cute in spite of the creepy arm movements and old-woman-with-incontinence-gait, but then she goes and ruins it all by exclaiming to Ellen – post-performance – the following:

‘I. Am. Amazing.’

And yes, she did do it with full-stops between the words. That level of confidence is disturbing in children. And we think her momma needs to stop feeding her Quavers.

Judge for yourself after jumpy.

ps. Ellen? J’adore and all that, but don’t go making bold and frankly dangerous statements saying that all children are amazing. A) They’re not B) They’re not C) and D) Really they’re not E) A bit of modesty goes an awful long way.

pps. *office child does a shit; we give it a medal, call off work for the day, let off poppers (steady!), fork out for a scholarship to an Ivy League institution, that shouty man off-of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition goes round to family off-of child prodigy, bulldozes their caravan and builds a 38-roomed modernist masterpiece in its place, several people cry, resentment builds amongst friends and neighbours, child prodigy eats too much stodge, can’t go toiley, loses his mojo, becomes depressed, turns into Half Ton Mum, spends rest of days watching re-runs of Flying Doctors*

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5 comments to “Is this *checks notes* ‘child’ cute, or just creepy as fuck?”

  1. Drown it.

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  2. Eugh really, I hate it when children behave like adults. It’s weird and unnatural and me no likey. It’s like when children cross their legs – totally creeps me out.

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  3. Agree. If you tell children constantly they’re incredible, even if they’re lazy, Doritos-eating trouts, they grow up to be cunts. Fact. There’s giving support, then there’s filling them with false hope. I give you most of the deluded twats on X Factor as evidence #1.

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  4. This sort of child shouldn’t be allowed.

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  5. I thought that was going to be MUCH better — or at least in tune (she’s not *that* young). I’ve heard many far superior performances out of gospel-esque American chidd’ren! That was not amazing, Luuv.

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