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Karen Krizanovich: An American Bitch in London

Karen Krizanovich. Scary and sexy.

Oh, it is Halloween and the whole of London will mutate into the kind of enourmous provincial town one-night stands come from. Goths will be wearing their entire closet, sending sales of WOOLITE® For All Darks skyrocketing in November. For slutty girls, it’s always time for that dress they bought before they blimped. Sure, a short black bob and weensy skirt is spooky: one glance at the acreage on their meaty dimpled thighs always scares the bejesus out of me. Never mind: they’ll be waking up the next day, shaking off a hangover and heading over to the clinic where any lost condoms will be professinally retrieved. For blokes, a mask will do. (more…)

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‘Ooh, trick or treat or fuck off, is it gone 4 of an All Hallow’s Eve already and we’ve still not had a sing song containing a very catchy two-step?’

Remind us who your sister is again...

It’s all true. And today, we’ll mostly be sing-songing whilst sipping Halloween cocktails – or just cocks – sorry Mum – along to Solange’s happy-clappin’ new’n, ‘Sandcastle Disco’. We love it, we love her, we love her sister, we love alcohol, we love the strange Lego sweets we’ve been nibbling on all afternoon, we love willies, we love lots of things we haven’t mentioned, and we love love. Isn’t love lovely?

Sing along to mad-as-a-box-of-hair Solange after the break… (more…)

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An homo-age to… Jason Statham! *claps like a special*

We'll be your beard...

As part of our ongoing if somewhat sporadic series, ‘An homo-age to…’ (this may well the first in our sporadic ongoing series, in fact, it’s hard to keep track. Oooh, ‘hard’), we’d like to present to you with Pearl ‘n’ Dean flourish, Jason Statham. Who we’d bum like that *snaps fingers*.

Boxout: Okay, so rumour hath it that Jason Statham’s a bit of a cock. Strike the ‘bit of a’ bit. Par example: the homophobic speech he was alleged to have given as best man at Madonna and Guy’s wedding. Which is a timely piece of info seeing as that relationship’s now come full circle. And when we say ‘alleged’, we asked three people in a Family Fortunes-esque manner, who were present and correct at said wedding, ‘Did Jason Statham make a homophobic best man’s speech at Madonna and Guy’s wedding?’ Survey say, yes. Well, they nodded. We think it’s the same thing.

Oh but to re…..tract a wee bit – Kelly Brook did go out with him and she’s notoriously a beard a lovely person with perfect taste so, you know, swings and roundabouts.

Anyways, that’s all by-the-bi-sexual. Let’s now look at a whole load of pictures of Jason Statham in various states of topless. Hurrah! (more…)

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Look at Dame Victoria Wood picking up her CBE! *heart swells*

Dame Victoria Wood. Smart for town.

Oh, should-be Dame V… how we j’adoreth. Here she is day-before-today at Her Maj’s glittering Buckingham Palace picking up her second gong courtesy of Betty W, the first being the OBE. So now she’s a Commander of the British Empire. How fun.

Also, is that a new ‘do atop a slimline fig we’re spotting, Victoria? Was that a rhetorical question? Was that? Was that? Was that?

And guess what Queeny said to Dame V upon sticking the tail on the donkey…? Go on, guess. No, guess. Guess.


‘Have you been doing this a long time?’

Too cute.

Now let’s watch Vic ‘n’ pals including the divine Julie Walters, in ac-shee-on… *wet wees, etc.* (more…)

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Got milk?

Cookie monster?So here’s the story… Mariah Carey had a Halloween party yester eve to celebrate, well, Halloween for which she dressed as some sort of cookie girl. Husband-age in the form of Nick Cannon came dressed as milk. It was evidently lots of fun.

Tangent… We would have gone to said party but we were busy watching Eastenders’ Max – you know, ginger, impeccably dressed, cute botty – get run over in a decidedly underwhelming finale in a decidedly overhyped episode. Still, it was enjoyable with a bottle of Londis’ finest sparkling and a large bag of Haribo Fangtastics.

Back to the point… Head past the jump for a picture of Mariah in her second outfit of the night; a fireman’s uniform. Well, more a bra, a panty and a fireman’s jacket but let’s not split pubes. (more…)

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Gratuitous pussy shot – Halloween special…

Puss in booties in a pumpkinIn case ye forgot, today is Halloween, aka, ‘All Hallows Eve’, aka, ‘Let’s get on public transport with our tits out a la Torture Garden in the name of a Pagan ritual’ night and we have found this pumpkin carving of Shrek’s Puss-in-Boots on the technological phenomenon that we can’t believe we once lived without known as the intermedolly.

It’s cute and clever innit, which is positively the best combination in a jack-o’-lantern, or human – although given an either/or situation, cute wins every time. Shallow? Us?

Yes. (more…)

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This week people have mostly been getting their crotchless panties in a twist about… the ‘Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Andrew Sachs/we desperately need a story that isn’t Credit Crunchie related’ story…

Honey, please do an SJP on that thing...!

We couldn’t end the week without the teeniest word on the Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross debacle…

To cut a Jackanory story short, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross left a message (and swore *run for your lives!*) on the answering machine of an old man who used to play Manuel in Fawlty Towers and has a slutty granddaughter looking to squeeze every last bit of publicity out of the non-story of the year. So far, so blah…

But forget all that. The thing that’s irking us is the celebrity tut-tutters, who’ve come out of the cracks – quite literally in some cases (Louis Walsh) – to cast aspersions. Choice quotes include… (more…)

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2012 just got even more excitement…

Big London


It may have skipped your notice that Big London is hosting the Olympics in 2012. We’re busy shifting our rather nice-even-if-we-do-say-so north Londinium gaff eastwards, milimitre by milimitre, so that come four years down the line it will be within a hop, skip and a 100m dash of all that sports-related brouhaha and we’ll be able to rent it out at £700,000 a day to what the press release refers to as a ‘sports fan’.

Anyways plural, the year of the baby G 12 looks like busting at the seams with things of a fun nature, seeing as news has reached us that London has won the battle *yeeeeeeeeeeee-HA!* to stage World Pride. In 2012. Keep up.

Which roughly translates to, ooh, a billion extra gayyyyyyyyyyyysssssss (that’s ‘gays’ in Gay) on the glittering streets of London, to do with as we see fit.

The details are thus:

– 23 June – 8 July, 2012

– Main parade: 7 July

– Makes a note of that

– Hooray!

– NB. We realise that picture’s not particularly ‘Mo Pride related. We just thought it was a nice picture, and rumour has it real life gays have been on the London Eye. S’true. Tell all your friends.

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