You know us, we’re very liberally minded. So much so, when Hot Homeless off-of the glittering gutters of Soho shouted out at us the other day, ‘I’d like to fuck you!’ we responded with a cordial, ‘Well certainly, so long as you sort your teeth out, shower and get a job first.’ We see people, not social situations.
So we’ve never had a problem with the fatty who thought she could sing like Sealion Dion from last year’s X Factory. When Simon Cowell told her she was delusional and her parents ought to be ashamed of themselves for giving her false hope we didn’t shout at our HD screens, ‘Yeah, and stop eating Quavers and Twix bars for breakfast as well, Honey Monster!’ Oh no. And when Fatty off-of last year’s X Factory wobbled off-of our screens in the manner of a can of Corned Beef, we didn’t shout, ‘Yeah, and your parents should be shot for turning you into the size of East Anglia!’ Oh no.
We said, ‘Poor girl. Bet she wishes she was slim.’
So it’s with great regret that we inform you that Fatty off-of last year’s X Factory is now living in a car. Otherwise known as a vehicle.
Emma Chawner (she has a name?!) has been forcibly removed from her council house in Lancashire (that’s the north of England, for those who don’t know. Manchester used to be a part of it until it thought better of itself) – along with her family – for being a nuisance. T’seems 19-year-old Emma’s incessant chantuese-ing was the final Cheese Straw for her neighbours, who together lodged 134 complaints about ‘singing late at night’ and ‘loud noises’. The council eventually made the decision to chuck ’em out on their Stuffed Crust Pizza-laden asses.
C’mon, that’s very…
Now let’s point, laugh, and feel a mixture of horror and pity whilst watching Emma Chawner’s X Factory audition all. Over. Again.