Thou must not - the rules of OGL and Guy’s marriage. They’re harsh!

Oh, it’s all coming out now. You know, the fact that Guy is the sort of twat we said he was when they got married.

And then you can add to that our own particular conspiracy theory that Christopher’s book was done in collaboration with Madonna to pave the way for this whole divorcery.

Anyways, the latest revelation to come is that Madonna had framed rules of conduct in the Ritchie/Ciccone household, to which she would point if Guy ever started pulling any of his twat tricks. But they’re not all reasonable. They are…

1. Guy must work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual well-being. [How do you work to enrich someone’s spiritual well-being? Get an exorcist in?]

2. Guy must set aside time to read Kabbalah texts with his wife. [Or play Sudoku, whichever proves more spiritual].

3. Guy must resolve conflicts in a constructive way. [What, no slapping?]

4.  Guy must never shout at his wife but instead must state calmly: ‘I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this’ [And not, ‘Shut up, you controlling cunt!’]

5. We most both devote time to our sexual expressiveness. [Though not necessarily with each other. Nice one for the children to see, that one].

6. We must not use sex as a stick to beat each other with. [Honey, you want to try it. Your marriage might not have broken down if you did].