Oh, it is Halloween and the whole of London will mutate into the kind of enourmous provincial town one-night stands come from. Goths will be wearing their entire closet, sending sales of WOOLITE® For All Darks skyrocketing in November. For slutty girls, it’s always time for that dress they bought before they blimped. Sure, a short black bob and weensy skirt is spooky: one glance at the acreage on their meaty dimpled thighs always scares the bejesus out of me. Never mind: they’ll be waking up the next day, shaking off a hangover and heading over to the clinic where any lost condoms will be professinally retrieved. For blokes, a mask will do.
American Halloween, of course, used to be a night of cute little kids, lots of candy and throwing rotten eggs at your nice neighbour’s house. Now, dumb is the rules. You can go sexy, sure, but as most Americans believe that murderers are 1 in 2 of the population, a silly costume is a safer bet. Who wants to be the first hostage taken? Pin stuffed animals all over yourself for that Road Kill look. Let your belly hang out and go as a pregnant man. And, of course, plenty of folks will be going as Obama. Bless.