The Fag Hag is having gift stress, my darlings. The present in question is for a male friend in his forties, who’s straight. (Easy, I hear you cry, get down to Faith and buy him a caramac square toed shoe to wear with his boot cut bleached ‘pulling’ jeans .) Except when it comes to this man’s yearly salary we’re not in six figures anymore, Toto. The bastard is richer than a fudge cake in the Katona fridge and I am stumped.
Forget books or DVDs as he gets sent them free. Forget gadgets – his house already looks like the control room for the Hadron Collider launch. So accessories from Alexander McQueen are the only option – but even they’ve been ruled out after an ‘incident’ in their Bond St store last year…
I’d wandered in to hunt for a silk skull scarf I’d seen online. My brolly was whisked off me immediately, and my self-esteem followed shortly afterwards. ‘Wheech scaff?’ whined the male shop assistant, turning his nose up, like Alan Cumming playing a snooty store manager in a particularly bad Disney film…‘It had skulls – it was silk. It cost £80?’ I replied drumming my nails like Sable Colby. Disney man rolled his eyes skyward, ‘We haf so many! How do I know? I mean these leetle things – they are like plastic bags to us!’ So with a botox-defying eyebrow raise, a ‘your plastic bags cost 80 quid do they? Thanking YOU- good day!’ , and a hurl of my cashmere wrap, off I trotted.
So this year, I think I’m off to a place where I’ll be greeted as an equal and everybody knows my name – Lidl? Come to momma baby.