The baby Jesus just called and said Prince, you’re a cunt.

What was that? God says purple's not my colour? 

Prince is a dirty god-botherer. We knew that. We tried to overlook it. Not any more. It’s part of our new gay militancy, which is quite the rage at the moment. Pun intended.

So it’s all rather natch that Prince is against gay marriage and gay adoption.

It’s all rather par for the course when you’re retarded enough to believe that a person should undergo agonizing death rather than accept a blood transfusion (he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. Like, durrrrrrrr); when you’re still in giddy anticipation of Armageddon (even though it should’ve happened, like, three times already according to the cult’s founders); when you keep changing your doctrines because everything you predicted didn’t actually, you know, happen and according to whatever hatred is currently on trend; when you believe a fairytale to be fact, etc… 

Oh but you know all this, people. We’re preaching to the enlightened, we know. It’s just we had a double Soya Cappuccino from Pret this morning and we’re venting our caffeine.

Anyways, the pertinence of this story is thus: during an interview given to the New Yorker, when asked about gay marriage and the like, Prince tapped his bible and said the following:

‘God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, “Enough.”‘

This from the ‘man’ who is never knowlingly not cavorting with at least seven hookers at one time. What they do with him is anyone’s guess, seeing as he’s barely knee-high to an adult-sized dildo.

But, you know, it’s good to have retards in this world ’cause it makes the rest of us look even more dazzling in subtle Diptyque lighting – but it’s just we paid good homo dollar to see the amoeba-sized queen at the O2 year before last (so not worth it. Even on the front row with binoculars all we could make out was something that looked like a teeny ball of purple belly-button fluff having an epileptic fit), the highlight of the entire evening being the trip home down the Thames on the river taxi (they have a BAR and everything on there! This, on public transport, which you can pay for using your Oyster! Cheenius).

So, riddle us this, Prince you funny little ‘man’: As gays of whom you don’t approve, yet have pretty much bankrolled your entire career, can we please have our tainted money back? 

ps. Rick James also contacted us and wants his mojo back. 

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13 comments to “The baby Jesus just called and said Prince, you’re a cunt.”

  1. I’ve never liked that odd little man

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  2. Prince should team up with Liz Hurley, then the two can be cunts together…

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  3. I love the idea of purple belly-button fluff having an epileptic fit!!!!

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  4. People like this should be banned. Just banned.

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  5. Seriously though, if a person had similar views about black people or Jewish people (or Christians, for that matter), they’d probably be banned from being played on BBC radio. Yet for some reason people are allowed to promote anti-gay views without serious repurcussion.

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  6. It’s true, Gilbert. It’s the same reason why I was walking through Covent Garden the other day and a group of black guys drove past shouting ‘Batty boy’ at me from their car – yet no-one blinked an eye. Yet had I retaliated and shouted ‘Dirty niggers’ back at them I’d either a) have been beaten to a pulp, if not death, by them or b) have been arrested.
    There’s something seriously wrong somewhere.

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  7. I like your Rick James reference. Very knowledgeable.

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  8. Just to play devils advocate here, it seems that the Purple Dildo may have been misquoted, which wouldn’t surprise me, given that he is in actual fact, as gay as the day is long http://www.drfunkenberry.com/2008/11/17/prince-new-yorker-article-full-of-misquotes/

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  9. Tequilla, I love it when you play (Devil’s advocate).
    Thing is, I too saw him at the O2 (didn’t everyone?), but he really did keep going on on about God. That’s enough to leave a bad taste in anyone’s gob.

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  10. Oh Lulu, I, like your goodself was one of the 700 million people who saw his royal badness during his stint at Londons glittering 02. Thankfully he did not mention God. All he did do however, was talk about how many hits he had, and that we couldn’t handle his hits. He said he had more hits than Madonna got kids. He then proceeded to play 2 hours worth of songs nobody had ever heard before. You are right- it did not taste good.

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  11. Tequilla, thanks for clearing up this sticky purple mess. But I would like to point out, when you took my gay little self to the O2 to see his royal shortness, we had the time of our lives. Because he is, was and always will be a genius.

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  12. Pilar, what it must be like to live inside that head.

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  13. i love prince as an artist n perfomer but the article is hilarious ;))

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