Dear religious cunts: Pray tell, once and for all – what IS your obsession with the gays?

Mmmmmmmmm, gays.

Poor Stephen ‘Gayley’ Gately. All he wanted was a funny tickle with someone he’s actually attracted to in Boyzone’s new video for ‘Better’ – bit like his pals get to do with the lady folk, presumably because they’re into said lady folk – but the decision to give him a male love interest is apparently going to cause the end of civilisation. Oh deary.

Who says this? Some mad old crone in Northern Ireland. And who told him? God.

Who knew.

So this dirty, mad old crone goes by the name of Reverend David McCullough – which bears a spooky resemblance to the name we saw scrawled on the loo wall (accompanied by mobile number and the words ‘looking to bum young men’) when taking a much-needed toiley break whilst out shopping for a new scarf, bulbs and Mark ‘n’ Spencer’s Percy Pigs over the weekend – is the minister of Dromore Reformed Presbyterian Church.

He no happy. He no like the gays. He’s obsessed by that ‘homosexual propaganda machine’. Which is ironic coming from someone who likes to dogmatically control public opinion via the voices he hears in his head from a fictitious person.

Oh but, go on, read what he said. He’s obviously paid very close attention indeed to this video. He probably has the gays smoochin’ bit as his screen-saver. And if we were back in our English Lit tutorial we’d totally read between the lines and come to the conclusion that Reverend David McCullough actually wants to be spit-roasted by Stephen Gately and his male love interest, with the option of poppers…

And-we-quote:

‘The latest Boyzone video that accompanies their newly-released single ‘Better’ is far from good.

‘The romantic words and touching melody are accompanied by a video that features two young men staring into one another’s eyes, holding hands, caressing one another’s faces and at one point one man nuzzling his nose against the other man’s cheek.

‘The video was the united decision of the group in support of band member Stephen Gately who ‘came out’ in 1999.

‘The message of the Boyzone video is yet another subtle effort of the homosexual propaganda machine. This video, that will be watched by millions, is sending out a deadly message to young people.

‘It is stating that homosexuality is simply another norm. The video very cleverly interweaves softly lighted, black and white images of heterosexual couples with a homosexual couple.

‘The message is plain and the often repeated drum beating of the homosexual lobby that says that homosexual is a normal lifestyle.

‘The message from God, who has made us, is very different.’

God made us? How modern. Next you’ll be telling us the animals went in two by two on some big boat and that’s how all the world’s species were saved, because all the world’s species could indeed fit on just the one boat, and naturally all species of the world were available for comment at that exact time and in that exact geographical location; and then after that you’ll go on to tell us some frigid ole bird gave birth to some totally uptight teacher’s pet without sperm ever having touched egg, after been lectured to by a bunch of dollies with wings; then you’ll be telling us some bloke lived to the rip-roaring age of 969 without even so much as a vitamin E tab; then you’ll tell us there was this snake, right, who had a good old chat with someone called Eve who was actually created from a rib… It’s all very Disney’s Jungle Book.

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8 comments to “Dear religious cunts: Pray tell, once and for all – what IS your obsession with the gays?”

  1. Let’s hope there was an X-rated version of the video made in which Stephen is rogered into another dimension by the bonde bit of tasty. Let’s hope it gets released, specifically to be shown on TV the Dromore area of Northern Ireland.

    That would make Reverend McCrustyFusty look up and possibly choke on his choirboy’s cock and hopefully die.

    Is that too harsh? Fuck it, I don’t care.

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  2. Please me-me-me, could you re-write the bible? I would like to read this new fun version.

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  3. People always go ‘Oh, that’s just metaphorical’ or ‘alegorical’ when it’s obvious rubbish. And the rest is as true as the sky is blue. Can someone go through the bible for me with a highlighter pen and highlight all the bits that are metaphorical in green, all the bits that are allegorical in pink and all the bits that are actually true from the word of our Lord in blue. Thanks.

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  4. The bit in the message from God that made us dealing with man-on-man also mentions that thou should not wear a fabric woven of two different threads (yes, really) so has the Bish had a forensic analysis of the trousers worn in the video done? Because God who made us is very picky about poly-cotton, though Bishops tend not to get so shirty about this seeing as most of their costumes are probably made of the stuff so that the lady who comes in and does for them doesn’t have a stack of ironing at the parish’s expense.

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  5. I bummed Reverend David McCullough at the weekend to Boyzone’s greatest hits.

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  6. Dear Christians, I don’t believe in God. So please leave me alone.
    If you want to sit in your musky house self-flaggelating and waiting for the resurrection, by all means please do, but don’t drag me into it.

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  7. Obsession arises from desire… everyone knows that.

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  8. man, I just love that last paragraph about god and the creation so much. it almost seems that kind of stuff just comes bubbling out of you…

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