That’s not quite true, actually. We’d quite like to bum Simon Cowell full stop/period.
[Segue: An Americaland friend, fresh off the boat, was meeting us somewhere down the road from our orifice in Big London and said, ‘Oh, why don’t we meet outside Eat Period?’ Think about it…]
Back-into-the-room… So, f-yes, Simon Cowell. The reasons we’d like to bum Simon Cowell are first and foremost for something to talk about at dinner parties. We’re running out, see. Other people’s misfortune can only go so far.
Secondly, he has similar mannerisms to an old boyfriend who was ridick handsome with a massive *bleep* so, you know… *gets all wistful*
Troisly, it’s kind of a Stockholm Syndrome thing. Ish. Work with us.
Lastly, he may have vagina hair and tip-exed teeth (that’s liquid paper to Australianishes) but he looks kinda, well, hot up there. In a DILF sort of way.
*looks around sheepishly*