Her Royal Highness, the Queen of all Fagdom would like to extend Christmas cheer to her people throughout the commonwealth, (with the possible exception of Jodie Marsh and people that buy Dido albums). My heart goes out to people less fortunate than us who deserve our thoughts this Christmas – so let us join in prayer for these poor souls.
Dear Lord, our father who art in Heaven (especially on Mondays when they play trash disco at Popcorn) we send Christmas prayers out to straight men from Kent who haven’t yet discovered that less is more when applying hair product. We pray for ladies who shop at Jane Norman. We pray for Cunts in hats ( take it off – you look like you work at Tesco’s Meat counter). We pray for that slag of a friend who’s been shagging my ex behind my back as the fag hag sits here like Emperor Ming, stroking my beard and pondering her fate with a cruel laugh. We pray for people who don’t buy their wrapping paper and cards from Prowler. We pray for women with burgundy hair and dangly parrot earrings who teach drama. We pray for anyone who hasn’t discovered the joys of the Me Me Me website. And we pray, most of all for Meg Matthews’ hairdresser.
But most of all, my fags and I send out a great big Christmas grope to all you hot young things – eat, drink and for fuck’s sake don’t buy me a scented candle again this year.
Loving all of your work in 2008.