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Do you think this man has a big cock?

Show me yours, I'll show you mine

Not specky four-eyes, that’s photographer Terry Richardson, and we know all about his penis. But do you think Barack Obama, leader of the free world, has a big one? Because actor Alan Cumming does.

‘I’d like to see Obama naked,’ said Mr. Cumming, who is Scottish, at a party last night.

For why? ‘I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises.’ Sounds feasable, though Hitler did only have one ball and he was pretty good at bossing people around. 

‘I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size. So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows. Well, just look at him. Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself.’ Tell us what you think, readers. Not on a premium rate text line, GMTV-style, but in our comments box below. Oh, he’s not finished. Sorry for the interruption. 

‘Also, someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big.’ Now, that’s the kind of evidence we’re looking for. Let’s all get our cocks out in the name of research!

As for Terry’s nice one… Jump the jump if you don’t believe us… (more…)

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Same-sex attraction. It’s so funny!

How hi-lariaous!

When will advertisers learn? They think they’ll put a little same-sex attraction into an ad (or a man dressing as a woman or anything like that) and it’ll make them edgy, everyone will find it HIGH-larious, they’ll get pro-gay Brownie points and all will be right with the world. Big cheques, awards, new contracts…

*sound of tyres skidding; and the needle sliding across a record – take your pick* What actually happens – as in the case of this Pepsi Max advert – is that gays end up feeling a bit used and laughed at while the American Family Retards (or whatever they’re called) put a fatwa on the company in question. Winners all round.

See the new daring Pepsi Max ad after the jump… (more…)

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‘Ooh, Lord, is it gone four o’clock already and Madonna’s probably half-way across the Atlantic with her kids and we’ve still not had a sing-song?’

Give me that shit!

As Madonna wins the right to whisk her kids off back to the US, we will be mostly sing-songing along to Our Glorious Leader’s mantra (‘Honey, I’m wearing the red string – I deserve this shit!’) ‘Give It To Me’.

At least them kids didn’t get adopted by a pair of gays, that’s what we say. Over the jumpsy with you… (more…)

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Fag Hag Diary

This evening I'm mostly wearing...


The Fag Hag is dragging her taffeta floor length ‘Dr Ruth at a bar-mitzvah’ number out of the closet again and taking it to the Turkish dry cleaners wondering if they can remove that suspect white stain shaped like a map of Tasmania.

She’s polishing the jewel-encrusted mules from acclaimed fashion house, ‘georges a asda’, and she’s preparing to hit the sunbed broiled in Crisp ‘N’ Dry. Yes, my darlings, it’s that excessively stressful time of year again, which always creeps up on me unawares (a bit like Gary Glitter let loose in Clowntown) – I speak of course of the BAFTAs… (more…)

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Ooh, how long have we been trying to find these pics? No really, guess. That isn’t a rhetorical question. Pretend you’re Dame Julie Walters and Patrick Stewart playing with a Nintendo DS ‘My Word Coach’ on a plane…

The proctologist's view.

This long!

*draws a line from here to Timbuktu*

What? Oh, they’re pictures of Dean Lennox Kelly from the velly velly first episode of the velly velly first series of Shameless. He also goes by the name of ‘that fella who is really fit in spite of himself’. He also goes by the name of, ‘please bring back Kev and Veronica, Shameless is a bit silly ‘n’ shit now’.

Backintotheroom… So here they are, ladies and the germs. Enjoy, rum-tee-tum-tee-tum… (more…)

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Would you stump up for this delicious gay Olympic record-breaking diver?

Oucha magoucha

Let us rephrase that. Welcome to Matthew Mitcham – hello! – who not only looks good enough to spit-roast in this itsy-bitsy bikini brief but can also turn out a few flips and screws that so impress an Olympic judge that he got the highest ever marks at the Chinatown Olympics last summer.

Jeez, he must be worth a fortune, maybe he should be my boyfriend, you’re thinking. Well, though we’re sure he’s top-of-the-range boyfriend material (especially in so little material, if you know what we mean *pats hair in style of Mae West*), he may not be able to keep you in the style to which you’ve become accustomed as he cannot get a major sponsor. Mainly because he is of gay.

Shame on Nike and Adidas and Umbro and Shredded Wheat and all those companies who think they can’t give a good gay Olympian a pat on the back in case nutcases might read something untoward into it.

Anyways, he talks about that in this interview in Advocate (oh, them pictures!) and we at me-me-me pledge all the money we have received for our Stop Reading the Daily Mail and Start Enjoying Life campaign to his coffers.

Oh, no, we don’t want anything in return. Maybe just a Holly Hobbie thank you notelet.

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One – or two, in the case of the twins – of these ‘lucky’ people will represent the UK at Eurovish. Is it worth the time and trouble, we ask in a kindly, generous-hearted kind of way?

We'll take the one three in from the left - and when we say 'take'...

Oh, these poor people. Little do they realise the pointlessness of their exploits. Who is going to tell them that you could put Madonna up to represent us at Eurovision with Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis and Princess Anne on back-up vocals and still you wouldn’t make it off the bottom spot?

Yes, voters, it is these deludanoids who have made the final of Lady Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s attempt to get Britain back in the running at Eurovision now the Eastern Europeans have taken it over even though now Terry Wogan’s not doing the piss-taking commentating no one will be watching anyways.

Battling it out for the ‘prestigious honour andcetera’ are – and we quote – Mark Evans, who is a farmer’s son and very do-able even though he wears a thumb ring!; Francine and Nicola Gleadall, who are twins (Francine? Who calls a child Francine outside of Grease The Musical?) and ‘soul singer’ and female impersonator Jade Ewen.

Frankly, our money is on… a double vodka and soda with two limes down Hard On.

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If you buy Gilly Hicks kecks, men will drop trou’. Fact.

Two hands is never enough.


So, ladies (both the female and male kind) who wear Gilly Hicks undersnackers will find themselves having a spooky effect on the mens (of both the lady and the male kind). A simple bra ‘n’ panty combo will have ’em yanking themselves out of their formal wear before you can say, ‘Half a pound of Jelly Babies, pig. And make it e-snappy.’

Another way of looking at this: An advertising company were paid billions and trillions and gazillions and several shillings to come up with a campaign to sell underwear. They came up with male nudity. Of the male kind. We could’ve told ’em that for 50p. And they’d have had some change for a Sherbet Dip Dab. Mmmmmn, Sherbet. Dip Dabs.

*puts on lily-white lady’s knickers; waits*

Wanna see a close-up of a male bottom? Of the male kind? Which will make you buy Gilly Hicks undercracker-Mc-Jacks? DO YOU? Course you do… (more…)

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