Aretha Franklin – who was chosen presumably as she was the only person visible from right at the back – made quite the impact at the inauguration of Prezzie B. The shock waves just reached London’s glittering London, ooh, about 40 minutes ago and registered 173 on the Richter Scale. Or thereabouts. We never paid too much attention in Richter Scale class. Too busy applying strawberry lip salve.
Urethra Franklin – who hasn’t sung an audible word since 1972 – also sang ‘God Save The Queen’. Only with different lyrics. F-why? As we say, her diction was questionable. We particularly enjoyed how she sang ‘My country, tis of thee’ as ‘My cunt… tree, is of thee’. Puerile is fun.
Also of enjoyment was Urethra’s bonnet. Commentators have, well, commentated on the bow. The bow was in fact a wind-turbine – you know, what with Barack being big on the ol’ renewable energy thing – but such is Half Ton Mum’s sizeable, well, size that she made it look like just your regular XL bow, which you’ll find in plentiful supply down the haberdashery department of John Lewis. It’s like when Kylie holds a 50ml bottle of smelly, it actually looks like a factice. A factice, ladies and germs, is an oversized perfume bottle used for commercial/comedy purposes. We learnt that on Saturday, around 5.35pm, and have being dying to use it ever since.
And finalamental health, seeing as this is a ‘who wore it best’ feature, we ask you faithfully – Ellen or Aretha? (The right answer’s Ellen, obviously, but we wouldn’t like to sway the vote. That’s so Bush era.)