Oh, these poor people. Little do they realise the pointlessness of their exploits. Who is going to tell them that you could put Madonna up to represent us at Eurovision with Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis and Princess Anne on back-up vocals and still you wouldn’t make it off the bottom spot?
Yes, voters, it is these deludanoids who have made the final of Lady Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s attempt to get Britain back in the running at Eurovision now the Eastern Europeans have taken it over even though now Terry Wogan’s not doing the
piss-taking commentating no one will be watching anyways.
Battling it out for the ‘prestigious honour andcetera’ are – and we quote – Mark Evans, who is a farmer’s son and very do-able even though he wears a thumb ring!; Francine and Nicola Gleadall, who are twins (Francine? Who calls a child Francine outside of Grease The Musical?) and ‘soul singer’ and female impersonator Jade Ewen.
Frankly, our money is on… a double vodka and soda with two limes down Hard On.