Gwyneth Paltrow, who we have heard nice things about from private sources but who in public comes across as funny as a cold plate of cat sick – or any sick, come to that – has joined the international campaign against anyone being funny on TV or radio by giving Jonathan Ross a kicking. Gwynnie’s issues are that he flirted with her on TV. Surely a matter for the police!
Of the ‘incident’ (imagine us taking all this down in one of those dinky black policewoman’s notebooks), where Mr. Ross said he would like to fuck her (clearly a joke, surely milord: look at the state of the plaintiff!) and that she was gagging for it, Mrs. Martin nee Paltrow, privileged daughter of a Hollywood producer, said that – and we quote, referring to notes made at the scene of the crime (aka an interview in Elle magazine) – it was ‘very offensive to my father-in-law’. *sobs. A glass of water is brought. Court is adjourned for half an hour while the victim of this heinous crime sits and weeps prettily into a handkerchief handed to her by a prison warden who is clearly lesbian and has a bit of a thing for Mrs. Martin*
Can we just take this moment in court to say being offensive is not a crime. If it were, we would be doing hard labour with removal of privileges. But if it is, we would like to make a formal report – mugshot, fingerprinting and DNA swab from inside the mouth and everything – on Mrs. Martin for that hair.