Gwyneth becomes the victim of a major crime. A member of her extended family is ‘offended’ by Jonathan Ross! And they still insist on taking Bobbies off the beat!

Well, at least the outfit's funny

Gwyneth Paltrow, who we have heard nice things about from private sources but who in public comes across as funny as a cold plate of cat sick – or any sick, come to that – has joined the international campaign against anyone being funny on TV or radio by giving Jonathan Ross a kicking. Gwynnie’s issues are that he flirted with her on TV. Surely a matter for the police!

Of the ‘incident’ (imagine us taking all this down in one of those dinky black policewoman’s notebooks), where Mr. Ross said he would like to fuck her (clearly a joke, surely milord: look at the state of the plaintiff!) and that she was gagging for it, Mrs. Martin nee Paltrow, privileged daughter of a Hollywood producer, said that – and we quote, referring to notes made at the scene of the crime (aka an interview in Elle magazine) – it was ‘very offensive to my father-in-law’. *sobs. A glass of water is brought. Court is adjourned for half an hour while the victim of this heinous crime sits and weeps prettily into a handkerchief handed to her by a prison warden who is clearly lesbian and has a bit of a thing for Mrs. Martin*

Can we just take this moment in court to say being offensive is not a crime. If it were, we would be doing hard labour with removal of privileges. But if it is, we would like to make a formal report – mugshot, fingerprinting and DNA swab from inside the mouth and everything – on Mrs. Martin for that hair.

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6 comments to “Gwyneth becomes the victim of a major crime. A member of her extended family is ‘offended’ by Jonathan Ross! And they still insist on taking Bobbies off the beat!”

  1. Oh, Gwyndolyn… get a sense of humour, you dried up old trout. Tsk.

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  2. could this woman be any more dull? really?

    off with her head. and off her idiot husband at the same time would you.. please?

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  3. Jonathan Ross is smutty, and juvenile, and rather irritating… but this story does nothing to endear Gwyneth to me. Silly bint.

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  4. Has everyone suddenly had a comedy bypass in the UK or what? Too busy white-weeing over snow… literally sometimes.

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  5. Sorry. Based on the frock alone she should be led to the electric chair. More for her benefit that ours.

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  6. This is the woman who brings us the website GOOP, to nourish our inner aspect. Based on the short skirt her inner aspect is quite near the surface. Really she needs to lighten up and get oiver herself. She obviously is wound as tight as her Kaballah bracelet.

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