The other day, I was giving Fag Hag Towers a little Snow White spring clean with the aid of some small Disney birds (they were tying curtains, removing the plumber’s Y-fronts from behind the radiator with their beaks, and dabbing at that nasty stubborn stain on the lilac satin eiderdown), when I chanced upon an extraordinary piece of television in the background.
‘Welcome to GoldenBalls,’ intoned Jasper Carrot, aka Gollum in a Suits & Co jacket, as he led me into a world darker than Dante’s seventh circle of hell. You see boys and girls, the point of Goldenballs is to lie and cheat your way to the final (by claiming you have more expensive golden balls than you actually have) before you and a fellow player decide secretly whether to split or steal the jackpot.
But here’s where it gets darker than Thomas C Howell’s make-up in Soul Man…
If you both choose balls that say split – hurrah! – you divide the monies and both go off to buy lots of pale blue fun fur and cockles from the market. If you both decide to steal – boo! – you both get nuthin’ you greedy cunts. And if one person decides to split and one decides to steal then the splitter gets all the cash. Lucky bitches splitter!
On this particular episode a nana with dyed black hair and mammoth arms was crying real life tears. ‘I promise I’ll split,’ she urged the blonde Dorothy Perkins woman opposite her. ‘Are you sure I can trust you?’ cried Dorothy Perkins. ‘ It’s £70,000, so much money.’ She also cried a real life tear. Dyed black hair put her hand on her giant bosom. ‘You have my word!’ ‘You have mine too,’ replied Dorothy Perkins solemnly.
But turned out Dorothy Perkins’s word was about as reliable as my parents contraception in the seventies. Because Dorothy only decided to go and steal. ‘I hope it brings you nothing but unhappiness,’ yelled a furious nana with the dyed hair. Before finally hissing, her eyes narrowed, ‘YOU BITCH!’.
Jasper laughed nervously. Dorothy Perkins looked terrified. I, frankly, haven’t had so much fun since Alexis pushed Krystle in the fountain.