The Fag Hag is off to begin her preparations for the Baftas – well darlings there are only 48 hours to go and every second counts when you’re having to jostle on the red carpet with au naturel beauties like 29-year-old Caprice and Huggie from Britain’s Next Top Model.
Which is why I have enlisted the services of the patron Saint of Tropez – or Fake Tannie Annie as I call her. This woman is the Bill Gates of tanning. The goddess of fake bake. What she doesn’t know about inner thighs and elbow patches ain’t worth a pair of paper pants with brown muck smeared all over them Bobby Sands-style.
Fake Tannie Annie fortunately specialises in the upper end of the market (although frustratingly favours the don’t ask don’t tell policy when it comes to revealing details about terracotta adventures with celebs’ arseholes) which means you never come out looking like Michelle ‘burns victim’ Heaton. Or Alex Curran after an explosion in the Ronseal factory.
Instead you look tawny, glowing and discreetly sunkissed a la Gisele… well that’s until you start on the Christina Aguilera Polish prossie make-up!