The Fag Hag woke up in the lilac boudoir with a start last night. Something of massive international significance had been on my list of ting tings to do and it had somehow slipped my mind. Was it buying double A’s for the vibrator? Was it cleaning that Baileys stain off the bathroom tiles? Or was it performing fellatio on the newly silver fox sex bomb Tom Jones whilst he was in town?
And then it started all coming back to me like Celine Dion in that video with the wind machine and the surfeit of bronzing powder – I had reneged on my duty to regale all my me-me-me pals with BAFTA tales. Bad Fag Hag! Well better late than never as an ex boyfriend with erectile dysfunction used to insist, (although in his case it was more better he didn’t turn up at all). So the BAFTAs – what can I tell you?…
Award for fiercest outfit goes to Shazza Stone who turned out to be an absolute doll when my friend went careering into her on the red carpet. ‘Oh I’m sorry – my fault,’ she breathed huskily as her $500,000 diamonds jangled perilously from the impact.
Award for make a fucking effort girlfrien’ goes to Thandie Newton. I’ve worn more make up for my smear tests. And what go on with your scraped back hair? Are you about to pop a stocking on your head and hold up a Tesco Metro woman?
Award for most piercing gaze goes to Daniela Craig, whose eye I caught as he was walking up some stairs. Loving your blue steel work Daniela!
Award for ‘who the hell invited you?’ goes to Abi Titmuss, who appeared to be wandering round in a white pre-operative gown with a diamante brooch, on loan from exclusif designer Les Accessories de Claire. ‘Why’s she famous?’ asked an American friend. ‘Oh her boyfriend was accused of raping someone,’ I smiled helpfully.
Award for best supporting ‘who the hell invited you?’ goes to Konnie Huq off of Richard Bacon and Blue Peter. ‘Why’s she famous?’ piped up my American friend again. ‘Because she was good with loo rolls, sticky-back plastic and Marigolds and her boyfriend was accused of taking cocaine’. He didn’t hang around long.
And finally the ‘hair bigger than an astronaut’s wife’ award goes to Fag Hag who was sporting less a hairdo and more a giant Heston Blumenthal bird’s nest of spun sugar. ‘is that all yours?’ inquired an acquaintance narrowing her eyes. ‘Mnn hmmn,’ I replied. Well, for fuck’s sake I paid for it – even if it did begin life somewhere in a Romanian orphanage.