There’s nothing the Fag Hag looks forward to more than a sip on a nice chai in Starbucks. (Actually that’s a lie, there is something I look forward to more and that is cock.) It’s that little daytime treat us Carrie freelance types cherish, as we type out sentences beginning ‘I couldn’t help but wonder’ whilst wearing a ‘will fuck for shoes’ T-shirt and purple box hat.
So imagine my horror today to discover my Starbucks peace had been shattered by a CWB – cunt with baby. I’m not talking about your common or garden mum, who just pushes a buggy round looking a bit pissed off. I’m talking about those assholes that insist on talking to the thing like it’s a human being…
‘Yes you do! Yes you doobie woobie do! I know you do! I know you wubble wobble.’ Look love the thing doesn’t understand you. You may as well be talking to a Sudanese bushman about Roberto Cavalli. But still they persist. ‘What shall we do today, hmm? What shall we do my ibble libble..?’
I slammed down my drink and hissed, ‘Do I have to listen to this?’ under my breath. But bitch didn’t notice on account of having her brain removed during childbirth. So I whacked in my earphones, turned on my iPod and smiled as the band struck up ‘Take Your Mama Out’ by the Scissor Sisters.