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Would you like a brown penis?

Brown, girl, even on your ring, tra la la la la

Now, with a positively scorchio weekend coming up in London – it’s like Magaluf out there, we swear! – this is an item we are taking very seriously indeed. Not that we don’t take men in skimpy swimwear very seriously indeed in all weathers, you understand.

Someone clever in a white coat has come up with a fabric which you can tan clean through. Yes, no more pesky tan lines (but we like pesky tan lines, we hear you cry. Shut up, we cry back. We’re trying to write a piece here).

With these little fellas, the sun can tan you right through the cloth – which might be why the range is called Tan Through by Kiniki (remember those saucy underwear catalogues advertised in the back of News of the Screws in the olden days?) though we are warned the seams are not ‘Tan through-able’ so you’ll have to adjust those around a bit.

So now, not only can you get rid of the sexy porn star tan line, you can also get full skin cancer on your foreskin. Hooray for science!

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The new hot Muslim bloke of ‘Stenders is a bender!

Muslims Bum To, Get Over It!

a) We’re allowed to say ‘bender’ because we ourselves bend.

b) Bender rhymes with ‘Stenders, which is a moniker for EastEnders. Benders is another moniker for EastEnders. No end of fun. And fun rhymes with bum. And bumming is fun.

c) So there.

Backintotheroom. The hot new bloke in Easty Enders – Syed Masood (who totally got the looks in that family, mmm-hmmmmn) is to get his very own gay love storyline to have and to hold and to cherish and to bum.

Basically, he falls for Christian Clarke. You know, this fella.

*imagines; adds another for the sheer queer of it; (how Pam Ayres are we today?!); then another; then another*

Oh but wait, some losers have to go and spoil our fun. Or at least try and spoil our fun. The Muslim Public Affairs Committee are all in a tizz at the news, for fear it will besmirch the reputation of Muslims far and wide. Fry? Bigger fish.

‘There’s a lack of understanding of Muslims already, and I think EastEnders really lost an opportunity to present a normal friendly Muslim character to the British public,’ said Asghar Bokhari of the MPAC (really can’t be arsed writing it out again).

Er, ironic that you say ‘lack of understanding’. Pot, meet kettle.

Or, translated into the god’s/muhammed’s honest truth reads, ‘We don’t like gays.’

(And just a minor point in brackets; the rest of the Masood family are presumably not gay, and they’re ‘normal’ and ‘friendly’. Isn’t that enough, you greedy cunts?)

Oh and ooh, wanna know something else that’s ironic? The Muslim Public Affairs Committee calls itself the ‘UK’s leading Muslim civil liberties group’. So, civil liberty for you and you and you… just so long as you aren’t gay.

Word up, Muslim Public Affairs Committee (just rolls off the tongue, n’est-ce pas?) – Some Muslims Are Gay, Get Over It!


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Would you like to see this man’s penis…?

Oh hola.

Course you would.

Here’s the background:

– e-Spanish.

– Used to be a footballer. Now? No idea.

– He’s called Pedro Cantreras.

– He’s cute, in a sort of, you know, cute way.

– OCD man down the gymgaysium has switched shower gels. Baby steps.

– And c) and d).

*points at ‘Continues…’ button* (more…)

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We’d like you to think that the reason we’re running this picture of a gennelman reviving his penage on the way out of the sea was to break some news, but it’s not really. Even though there is a news story attached.

Tug o'war

The news? Oh, they’re making a 3D version of that film Piranha. Interesting, non?

Well, it might be because it will star Jerry O’Connell above and we wouldn’t mind seeing that VPL coming right out of the screen at us.

*puts pen down, sips martini, goes to bathroom to make sure expensive underwear that has to be worn out tonight has not been marked*


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A little lesson in the power of good packaging

Is she dead? Is it Kerry Katona? Is Kerry Katona dead?

First, the history bit. Without Madonna and her dancing and her charisma and chutzpa and general carrying on, that first album would have been a Stephanie Mills album. Produced by the same guy, it sounds like a Stephanie Mills album only without the vocals of one Miss Stephanie Mills.

Fast forward to today, and Lady Gaga is pulling off the same thing. What would have been a regular old Euro-disco-esque album by someone who was perhaps on at G-A-Y and everyone went to get a drink because she was ruining their buzz, has been elevated by her drama and weirdness to something people actually take, you know, seriously. It’s every lightweight artist’s dream.

Exhibit A: the new video to the single ‘Paparazzi’. Over the jump.

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‘I believe zombie porn is the wave of the future!’ Yeah, that or Ugg boots.

Zombies ate my flesh!

Meet Bruce LaBruce – experimental film-maker, photographer and general all round weird person – with porn star, nay porn legend, Francois Sagat. It’s part of an installation called Motel Hell that BLB has been doing in Los Angeles to promote his next zombie hardcore film (starring Sagat).

‘Zombies and porn! What a beautiful combination!’ sayeth Bruce, whose first sexy zombie flick, Otto or Up with Dead People was a smash hit on the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival circuit (meaning, no one at all saw it).

Now, following that and this installation, that co-starred Madonna’s old squeeze and the stinkiest (and not in a wholly un-sexy way) person we’ve ever interviewed, he’s decided that it’s time to get some more ‘gut fucking’ – you know, where a zombie burrows a hole in someone’s guts and… you get the picture – action in a whole new hardcore zombie movie.

Hooray etc (as we do like a zombie and we have been known to watch porn, in a strictly educational capacity, you understand). You can see more – very sexy and disturbing – pictures by clicking here.

Safe for work only if you work in an office on your own and no one ever monitors where you’ve been idling on the web. Or you own the business. 

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Well it looks like bollocks so it must be worth something…

But is it art?

Would you buy this shit? Would you buy this shit for £22,000? Would you buy this shit if the shit was supposed to resemble Madonna and Guy? Would you buy this shit if it was made out of your own shit? Would you buy this shit if it was made out of Guy and Madonna’s shit? Would you buy this if you were into scat and Madonna had had a dirty protest all over your face?

Some shit-lovin’ homie’s apparently going to buy this work of terribly important contemporary art for just such a sum when it goes up for sale in Scotland’s glittering Glasgow on Saturday, mmm-hmmmmn.

It’s by Peter Howson and it’s his portrait of Madonna and Guy, in happier times. Which was 2005 according to our notes. Now call us philistines – call us Australian if you will (but don’t) – but those ropey old portrait pests just off Piccadilly Circus (Shaftesbury Avenue exit. Opposite the place that sells rubber pizzas, round the corner from Boots) manage a better likeness than this, and what’s with the ill-matching curtains?

*gets out red Crayola; draws a cock ‘n’ balls in no particular order; sleeps with someone at Saatchi Gallery; mutters the word ‘subversive’; sells cock ‘n’ balls for 123 million pounds; Lucien Freud calls and asks for his mojo*

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Word is out!

You go, girlfriend!

Not that he ever made much of a secret about it. Any excuse to get into bra and panties with a full face of slap and a set of false eyelashes that would put Dita Von Teese to shame (if she’s not already ashamed of being useless, that is), and Mr. Bunny would be there with all the make-up that MAC could make.

And what better time to make that public statement than during one of Hollywood’s rallies against the whole Proposition 8 thing where this addition to his Walk of Fame star was made. If Bugs Bunny were alive today, he’d be manning (or bunnying) the baricades with the best of them.

Check out how great Bugs looks in a contrasting bra and beach skirt set over the jump… (more…)

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